Hello! We hope your new week has got off to a great start. We're kicking ours off with another 250-word critique. And this time we have an adult dark romance. As usual, the "clean" version comes first and the edited version second. Be sure to leave your comments below; we'd love to hear what you think of our suggestions and if you have any further advice for the author.

​Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket.

Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

Court’s words. Not mine.

Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house.  It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.
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Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test. – This is a great opening, but perhaps restructure to ensure maximum voice for effect and to maybe add some visual to ground the reader. Perhaps:

“Thirty-six.
Two kids Satan would disown.
And squeezed into too-small skinny pants.
I glance around to make sure no eyes are on me and discretely as possible yank the damn things out my backside. It gets worse; the spread at this wake is so freaking large these size 10s are probably going to burst by the time I leave.”

Or similar.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world – Perhaps add an em-dash here, between “world” and “if”, to maximise the impact of this brilliant and shocking revelation –if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket. – As she is responsible for this person’s death and there was likely a trial, would she even be here? Wouldn’t other guests, family members, recognize her; and if they do aren’t they mad or bitter or even curious? Might she feel their eyes on her, or hear their passing mutterings? How does she feel about what she’s done, about being here? Guilty or nervous, perhaps? Can we see this? Does she sweat profusely; is her stomach rising and dipping like a boat in choppy seas; does the smell and sight of the enormous spread make her nauseous; is she downing her wine too quickly? Perhaps blend in some visceral reactions in the early paragraphs so the reader can connect with her, and maybe include a clue so they can start to understand her motivations for being here, how she feels about what she’s done, and so on.

 Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

 Court’s words. Not mine. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought.

 “Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover” – Perhaps place this first part of the sentence into quote marks as shown to ensure it stands out – Also, if this is the case and proven in court, would she not have received a punishment? Is this not illegal in the country of this story to use mobile phones whilst driving? – would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house. It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility, people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving. – Has the girl interrupted her thoughts? Does Tessa startle at the voice, or has she seen this girl approaching and doing the rounds to guests so has been preparing? Is Tessa scatty, observant, away with the fairies? Perhaps build in a clue.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought and also add to the previous paragraph as it continues her thoughts on from the previous sentence.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body, and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought, and perhaps add to the previous paragraph as it continues her opinion and thought on this young girl.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer. – Perhaps restructure the sentence slightly for smoother flow. Maybe: “Waiting for me to answer, she left a pink lipstick (and so on)...” or similar.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who – Using “who” here suggests it is the uncle who is doing the wishing. Simply replace “who” with “and” – wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, – Perhaps an em-dash instead of a comma might be more effective in showing the reader the shock and humor behind the character knowing her nails are unmanicured. So: “I offered my hand—unmanicured nails and all.” – unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.

Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

There are some very interesting things going on in this scene and it makes for an intriguing opening full of strong voice. But what is the inciting event? Is it going to the wake of the man she killed? Is it meeting the man's niece? What's different about this day that will change the course of her life? And what does your character want? Perhaps blend in some subtle clues so the reader can ask those all important early questions.

Most importantly, give the reader a reason to love the protagonist by helping them connect with her. Allowing them to experience what the main character does is the best way to form a quick and strong connection between the reader and protagonist.

So consider weaving in some more of the five senses as well as visceral reactions and nervous habits; really start to mold the character so the reader can begin getting to know her. Could we smell the food, hear the dull chatter of the other guests? Can we get a clue as to where this wake is taking place—a house, a church, a pub, etc? Is she uncomfortable, nervous, guilty, indifferent? And be sure to SHOW rather than tell the reader.
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Finally, there is a mixture of both present and past tense throughout. Decide in which the story is to be told and stick with that. If past tense, then ensure all the narrative other than her direct thoughts (which will be placed in italics) is consistent, or switch everything to present.​

And we're back! After a stupid busy few weeks, we're returning with some more regular 250-word critiques, and today it's a YA sci-fi under the spotlight. The 'clean' version comes first, and then the edited version second. Let us know what you think in the comments!

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message for the thousandth time; she felt the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped.

She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids? She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.

A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M, the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay?

Yeah, right.
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Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?
​

The twin psychic bond theory? – An interesting opening line; this is likely to intrigue a reader – Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. – Maybe just one ‘Pfft’ is enough to get the point across – In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message – Is the video message coming out of her bracelet, or is it a screen on the bracelet, or is the message aired on somewhere other than the bracelet? Perhaps clarify so the reader has a clear visual – for the thousandth time; she felt – ‘to feel’ is considered a filter verb and thus telling; consider revising. See further on for an example – the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body. – Is the buzz from a new telepathic link to her twin or from the bracelet? A reader might not be sure. If it is the former, then perhaps removing the word ‘familiar’ might make more sense. If she has never telepathically linked to him before then this feeling might be new.
– This last sentence definitely raises intrigue and questions; such as, why is this his last video message, and what is this L.I.N.K. bracelet? However, perhaps this might be stronger if the reader can see the message, what Holly is watching, as it happens. So maybe show the reader her brother on the screen, his dilated pupils, awkward smile, floppy brown hair, and so on. See further on for a rewrite example.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped. – Is Holly still on the jet? If so, perhaps ground the reader here by letting them feel the jolt and see Holly gripping the seat arms. If not, maybe show how she is a little wobbly on her legs as she walks (insert here: toward something) because of the last hour of turbulence. Perhaps also blend in the presence of someone else she is with or show her alone. What is she surrounded by – boxes, crates, cages, etc? –
She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids – Can eyelids be creased? Or is this the skin around his eyes – ? – Is the nausea from the jolts and pitching or because she is worried about her brother? Or is it both? Perhaps clarify for the reader – She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. – as she is ‘addressing’ Danny, a comma needs to be added before his name – I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you. – Maybe reduce this inner thought to something a little shorter so as to ensure maximum impact on the reader and the urgency of Holly’s feelings. Or, perhaps cut the thought in half and blend two sets of thoughts into some body language or action or similar.
 
– Consider blending the previous two paragraphs into one for stronger writing and to show Holly, where she is, and let the reader share her emotion and see her surroundings. Perhaps:
 
‘Holly hit ‘play’ once more, probably for the thousandth time. Danny’s smile lit up the messaging screen on her L.I.N.K. bracelet. She gripped the band around her wrist as its familiar buzz pulsated through her veins – every cell vibrating – and caught in a continuous scream around her body. Nausea swam in her stomach. He was smiling, sure, but those eyes... dilated pupils, creased eyelids.  She’d seen that look before. I’m going to find you, Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you.

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother.
 
A sudden jolt shook her from her brother’s image, and she slammed her palms on to the surrounding boxes. She swallowed hard at the rising vomit. The last hour wedged in a cargo jet in turbulence at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped much. She closed her eyes. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.’
 
Or similar. Of course some words have been changed here to allow for more showing, detail, and tighter writing, and perhaps some of the facts have been misunderstood, but this is an example of how the words might lift further from the page if simply rearranged.
 
A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small – What does small mean? Is it a similar size to a wristwatch? Perhaps offer the reader a more precise idea, let them see the bracelet more clearly – computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M., the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 – Write numbers up to 100 out in words – different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay? – These last two questions could be smoother and incorporate stronger language. Perhaps: ‘But her brother’s current location? If he was okay?’ or similar.

​Yeah, right.
​
​Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?

​Overall, this is certainly an opening that has plenty of intrigue and hook and should work to force a reader to ask some questions. Perhaps with some simple shuffling of words and tightening of sentences, switching telling to showing, and adding some more voice, will elevate the writing and immediately throw a reader into the scene and action, and let them share Holly’s emotion as they sit with her.

So what do you think? Do you agree? Would you advise anything different? Put your editing cap on and leave your comments below!
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