SHOW DON'T TELL WORKSHOP 5!

Please welcome Kate back to the blog today, with another example of switching telling to showing. 
​

Mr. Smith was a great big fat man (1) who enjoyed watching baking shows on TV. It was Monday and while watching The Great British Bake Off (2) , he had a big slice of chocolate fudge cake with chocolate ganache topping on his plate on his lap (3). He had decided to go on a diet last week that started today (4) and that meant watching five minutes of his show then eating a mouthful (5). The show had only been on ten minutes and he'd already eaten over half the cake. His mouthfuls were large. (6)

Now let's analyse this... ​
​

(1) Mr. Smith was a great big fat man. 

This sentence TELLS us Mr. Smith was fat using the filter verb "to be", and our imagination could create any image we want. Nothing wrong with this, but it sure would be stronger if we could SEE Mr. Smith in a little more DETAIL. Maybe: "The armchair creaked, the springs protesting loudly, as Mr. Smith squished his bulbous frame between the sides and flopped onto the cushion, huffing and puffing after his short walk from the kitchen."

(2) who enjoyed watching baking shows on TV. It was Monday and while watching The Great British Bake Off

This is great information about Mr. Smith's character and it definitely fits with the rest of the paragraph. Though it is TELLING us what he likes, what day it is, and what he's watching now, rather than us SEEING this enjoyment and information in action. Maybe: "After he'd caught his breath, he grabbed the TV remote from the arm of the chair and pressed the ON button with his pinkie - the only finger small enough not to hit all the other buttons at the same time. He rubbed his palms together and smiled. The best thing about Mondays was the back-to-back reruns of The Great British Bake Off." 

(3) he had a big slice of chocolate fudge cake with chocolate ganache topping on his plate on his lap.

This one gives the reader a great visual, but in itself it's a little boring and if BLENDED with some movement and again even letting us SEE this cake through the eyes of Mr. Smith, we get to step inside the scene just a little more. Maybe: "From the other arm of the chair, Mr. Smith lifted the plate of food waiting patiently for him onto his lap. His eyes widened at the deliciousness, a trickle of adrenaline squeezing through his strained muscles. A chunk of sticky chocolate fudge cake with glittering chocolate ganache topping. Mrs. James upstairs was a genius baker - and thank goodness she delivered."

(4) He had decided to go on a diet last week that started today

"he decided" is another filter verb. And as we've said before, these are perfectly okay to use, but better if only every now and then and replaced with some TELLING where possible. If you bring the PERSPECTIVE a little close to Mr. Smith, we could maybe hear his thoughts and feelings on his decision, which would in turn build even more of allowing the reader to engage with the character. Maybe: "He gripped his spoon, salivating, and slid it through the cake. Chocolatey aromas drifted up from the morsel balancing on the too-small spoon. No. No. He placed the bite back down on the plate and forced his lips together. He'd promised Rosa last week he would do it, and if losing weight would win her heart, his diet had to start today. No backing out now."

(5) and that meant watching five minutes of his show then eating a mouthful

So, similar to the advice under (4), it would be much more ENGAGING for a reader to hop inside Mr. Smith's head and perhaps HEAR him deciding on this plan. We'd learn a lot more about him this way. Maybe: "Right. Slow at first - that was Rosa's advice. Slow...slow...? What was a slow diet? Maybe, slow meant still eating the same foods but chewing slower? Or maybe cutting back a little every day? Hmm. Mr. Smith drummed his fingers as best he could on his leg. Okay. He'd start by watching five minutes of his show then eat a mouthful, then another five minutes and then a mouthful. And so on. He smiled. Excellent." 

(6) The show had only been on ten minutes and he'd already eaten over half the cake. His mouthfuls were large. 

This is a great, humorous ending and gives a great visual and tone to the scene. It definitely works as it is, but maybe by SHOWING Mr. Smith, injecting some of his VOICE and EMOTION, and more VISUALS of the TV show perhaps as well, it would wrap it up even better. Maybe: "Ten minutes later, as the contestants put the finishing touches to their signature meringue dishes - Mr. Smith loved meringues - he picked up his spoon ready to take his third mouthful. As the spoon chinked against the china, he peered down. "Only half left?" How had this happened? Okay, he liked a largish mouthful, but how had he consumed half his cake in only two?"

And now let's put it all together...
​

The armchair creaked, the springs protesting loudly, as Mr. Smith squished his bulbous frame between the sides and flopped onto the cushion, huffing and puffing after his short walk from the kitchen. After he'd caught his breath, he grabbed the TV remote from the arm of the chair and pressed the ON button with his pinkie - the only finger small enough not to hit all the other buttons at the same time. He rubbed his palms together and smiled. The best thing about Mondays was the back-to-back reruns of The Great British Bake Off.

​From the other arm of the chair, Mr. Smith lifted the plate of food waiting patiently for him onto his lap. His eyes widened at the deliciousness, a trickle of adrenaline squeezing through his strained muscles. A chunk of sticky chocolate fudge cake with glittering chocolate ganache topping. Mrs. James upstairs was a genius baker - and thank goodness she delivered. 
​
He gripped his spoon, salivating, and slid it through the cake. Chocolatey aromas drifted up from the morsel balancing on the too-small spoon. No. No. He placed the bite back down on the plate and forced his lips together. He'd promised Rosa last week he would do it, and if losing weight would win her heart, his diet had to start today. No backing out now. 

​Right. Slow at first - that was Rosa's advice. Slow...slow...? What was a slow diet? Maybe, slow meant still eating the same foods but chewing slower? Or maybe cutting back a little every day? Hmm. Mr. Smith drummed his fingers as best he could on his leg. Okay. He'd start by watching five minutes of his show then eat a mouthful, then another five minutes and then a mouthful. And so on. He smiled. Excellent.

Ten minutes later, as the contestants put the finishing touches to their signature meringue dishes - Mr. Smith loved meringues - he picked up his spoon ready to take his third mouthful. As the spoon chinked against the china, he peered down. "Only half left?!" How had this happened? Okay, he liked a largish mouthful, but how had he consumed half his cake in only two?
​

Was that helpful? Let us know in the comments!