SHOW DON'T TELL WORKSHOP 3!

Today, we welcome Kate back to the blog with another detailed look at Show Don't Tell. And today, it's building on from last week's workshop, focusing a little more on adding that finer detail, voice, and characterization throughout.

​I walked into the kitchen where my parents were waiting for me (1), their expressions filled with anger (2). I had messed up royally and I knew I was in trouble. But whatever. There were much bigger things going on in my life so this telling off wasn’t going to get me down. (3)
“Sit down,” Mom said (7) and pointed to the bar stool at the island.
“And don’t say a word,” Dad added.
I sat down, my lips sealed as instructed. Dad was dressed in his gray suit and yellow tie, obviously ready for work, and Mom was wearing her fluffy, pink dressing gown (4). She was gripping a mug so hard I could see that her knuckles had turned white and I wondered if the mug might break. This was going to be bad.
“Where were you last night, Joanne?” Dad asked, tapping the granite counter top.
“Out with friends,” I replied, not looking at him.
“Which friends?” Mom asked.
“Tell us now so your punishment doesn’t get any worse,” Dad said.
I sighed and replied, “Sam,” and braced myself for the shouts (5).
“SAM!” Mom screamed. “Sam!”
Dad cried, “She was out with that godforsaken boy all night! I knew it!”
By this point, I’d forgotten about the phone call I was waiting for from Tammy about the party. I was focused on getting through the next few minutes (6).
 

Now let's analyse this... 


(1) I walked into the kitchen where my parents were waiting for me
 
Here we’re being TOLD that her parents are waiting for her and where, rather than us finding out naturally, maybe SEEING them waiting as Joanne enters the kitchen. This is a great opportunity to build tension and emotion by SHOWING us some finer details, bringing the perspective closer, adding direct thought so we can HEAR the character’s voice better, and so on. Maybe: One more deep breath. I couldn’t put this off any longer. Head lowered, I shuffled into the kitchen, a brief glance up so I could prepare for what awaited. Oh heck, this is bad. They both stood, backs stiff, arms frozen, and eyes already drilling into my soul. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone had just turned my kitchen into a show room, my parents the mannequins surrounded by gleaming, sparkling unused appliances. Yes, this is a lot more words to pass on something so simple, but what we get is a lot more style and tone, tension and voice, atmosphere and personality. Don’t be afraid to use more words to show something.
 

(2) their expressions filled with anger
 
We see this kind of thing a lot. We’re being TOLD that her parents are angry but we don’t really get to FEEL this anger or SEE what her parents look like when they’re angry. You could just use the example above in point 1 as this definitely SHOWS their anger in their body language and the character’s perception of them, or you could carry this on and SHOW her parents in a little more detail, again building on the character’s voice. Maybe: I stepped into the vacuum of weighted silence. A small giggle pressed at the back of my throat at Mom’s flared nostrils and I guessed if I listened hard enough, I might have been able to hear the raging, panting bull waiting to be released inside her.
 

(3) I had messed up royally and I knew I was in trouble. But whatever. There were much bigger things going on in my life so this telling off wasn’t going to get me down.
 
Because we’ve already revised the first sentence into many much longer ones that are packed with SHOWING, these sentences could work just fine. Always remember that the odd bit of telling and filter verb usage is perfectly okay. If you wanted to keep on revising, then a few tweaks would elevate this even more, getting rid of “I knew” and “there were” (filter verbs). Maybe: I’d messed up royally and my name was written all over this telling off. But whatever. Bigger things mangled my life right now so Mom and Dad could bring it on.

 
(4) Dad was dressed in his gray suit and yellow tie, obviously ready for work, and Mom was wearing her fluffy, pink dressing gown.
 
Here we’re being TOLD what Mom and Dad are wearing but it would be much stronger to SEE this blended into action and dialogue, and again in the character’s VOICE. At the moment it’s a bit boring. Maybe: They drew out the silence a little longer and, fighting hard not to make eye contact, I watched their reflections in the ultra shiny granite countertop. Dad removed his glasses, hooking them in the top pocket of his suit jacket and sliding his fingers down his silky yellow tie—I hated that tie. Mom, on the other hand, still hadn’t moved. The only things that clued me in to her being alive were those white knuckles squeezing her mug. Another giggle tickled as I imagined it bursting, coffee splattering her fluffy pink dressing gown.
 

(5) braced myself for the shouts
 
Rather than TELLING the reader that the character has braced themselves, SHOWING this in specific body language would be much stronger. Maybe: I screwed up my face and clenched my fists in my lap. Let the ride commence.

 
(6) By this point, I’d forgotten about the phone call I was waiting for from Tammy about the party. I was focused on getting through the next few minutes.
 
Informing the reader of what a character has forgotten is a huge red flag of TELLING and removes the reader instantly from the action. Instead, keep us in the moment, SHOWING us exactly what is happening and what’s keeping the character occupied, or even take it one step further and SHOW the character remembering what they’d forgotten. Maybe: I sat quietly, letting my parents do their thing, allowing the shouts and screams and attacks on Sam to slide right by. Mom was in her element, and I’d become pretty nifty at blocking out her screeching. Besides, it had been one heck of a night and I had zero regrets.
 

(7) Dialogue and Dialogue Tags
 
Overall, the dialogue itself is okay in this passage, but what could be revised and more SHOWING added is the removal of some dialogue tags--Dad asked, I replied, Mom screamed, Dad added, etc. There are a lot and switching out a couple with an action tag would allow the reader to SEE more and FEEL and HEAR the emotions in the spoken words.
 
Maybe instead of…
“Sit down,” Mom said and pointed to the bar stool at the island.
Try…
“Sit down.” Mom thrust a French manicure-tipped finger at the island bar stool.
 
Maybe instead of…
“Where were you last night, Joanne?” Dad asked, tapping the granite counter top.
Try…
Dad leaned forward, one finger tap tap tapping a regular rhythm. “Where were you last night, Joanne?”
 
Maybe instead of…
“SAM!” Mom screamed. “Sam!”
Try…
“SAM!” Mom shoved her mug forward, coffee sploshing over the rim, and flung her arms in the air. “Sam!” I had no doubt the neighbors could hear her shrill voice.

These are examples, of course, and the fun thing about this type of revision is playing around with ideas. Think about placing your characters, moving them around, reflecting their emotions and the words they speak through their body language and expressions. Don’t forget, however, to not go overboard with adding too many action tags, giving a blow-by-blow account of everyone’s movements. That can get pretty boring!
 

And now let's put it all together...


One more deep breath. I couldn’t put this off any longer. Head lowered, I shuffled into the kitchen, a brief glance up so I could prepare for what awaited. Oh heck, this is bad. They both stood, backs stiff, arms frozen, and eyes already drilling into my soul. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone had just turned my kitchen into a show room, my parents the mannequins surrounded by gleaming, sparkling unused appliances. I stepped into the vacuum of weighted silence. A small giggle pressed at the back of my throat at Mom’s flared nostrils and I guessed if I listened hard enough, I might have been able to hear the raging, panting bull waiting to be released inside her.  I’d messed up royally and my name was written all over this telling off. But whatever. Bigger things mangled my life right now so Mom and Dad could bring it on.
 
“Sit down.” Mom thrust a French manicure-tipped finger at the island bar stool.
 
“And don’t say a word,” Dad added.
 
I sat down, my lips sealed as instructed. They drew out the silence a little longer and, fighting hard not to make eye contact, I watched their reflections in the ultra shiny granite countertop. Dad removed his glasses, hooking them in the top pocket of his suit jacket and sliding his fingers down his silky yellow tie—I hated that tie. Mom, on the other hand, still hadn’t moved. The only things that clued me in to her being alive were those white knuckles squeezing her mug. Another giggle tickled as I imagined it bursting, coffee splattering her fluffy pink dressing gown.
 
Dad leaned forward, one finger tap tap tapping a regular rhythm. “Where were you last night, Joanne?”
 
“Out with friends.”
 
“Which friends?” Mom asked.
 
“Tell us now so your punishment doesn’t get any worse,” Dad said.
 
I screwed up my face and clenched my fists in my lap. “Sam.” Let the ride commence.
 
“SAM!” Mom shoved her mug forward, coffee sploshing over the rim, and flung her arms in the air. “Sam!” I had no doubt the neighbors could hear her shrill voice.
 
“She was out with that godforsaken boy all night! I knew it!”
 
I sat quietly, letting my parents do their thing, allowing the shouts and screams and attacks on Sam to slide right by. Mom was in her element, and I’d become pretty nifty at blocking out her screeching. Besides, it had been one heck of a night and I had zero regrets.

​Was that helpful? Let us know in the comments!