January 250-Word Live Critique

And we're back with our very popular LIVE CRITIQUES!

That's right. Every other Monday, we'll be posting critiques of writers' first 250 words or query letters; anonymous, of course. If you would like to have your work critiqued, then watch out for our calls for submissions on Twitter and Facebook once a month! It's a first-come, first-served arrangement.  

Anyway, here we go with the first of 2018! The format is the same as it always was. First, is the excerpt without our suggestions and then with. We love feedback, so if you want to add anything, or disagree with our thoughts, or have found this blog helpful, please leave a comment at the end. 

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To say the site of the scaffold is our regular meeting place is not entirely correct. Instead, we usually meet near the monument to those who lost their heads; the actual scaffold site is technically a little further away.

It’s an overcast Friday afternoon and my last class for the week been cancelled. No one can focus anyway, not with our first exam scheduled for Monday. I’m free for the weekend. Stuck at the Tower, but free nonetheless. Most importantly, I have forced my friend Rupert to help me uncover what could be the most explosive secret to rock the Tower walls since the Ravens stole the keys in 2012 and almost caused nationwide panic. But Rupert's late.

I glance up from my book as George, a Tower Raven, craws from beside me. He leaps down from the bench and hops away across Tower Green. I'm too busy watching George make his escape to notice the shadow looming over me. I’m trapped.

Someone is standing beside the bench, I can feel them staring at me. I glance up, then take a deep breath, and turn away; he isn't who I'm waiting for. Pity though, he has beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes, and under normal circumstances I’d totally be intrigued.

I have three primary rules for surviving life at Her Majesty’s Palace and Fortress the Tower of London:

Rule 1. Never initiate contact with the visitors;

Rule 2. Never forget you’re always watched;
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Rule 3. Never leave the house without being photo ready.

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To say the site of the scaffold is our regular meeting place is not entirely correct. Instead, we usually meet – as you have used “meeting” and “meet” in the first two sentences, consider revising to avoid repetition. Perhaps “rendezvous” or “gather” or similar – near the monument to those who lost their heads; the actual scaffold site is technically a little further away. – this is certainly an intriguing opening paragraph; however, to ensure the reader is hooked from the very first line, consider rearranging slightly. Perhaps use the second sentence, which mentions the monument to those who lost the heads, as the first line to make a reader want to find out more about this. Or, perhaps, show the character in the opening line/paragraph, how they are currently feeling, what they are anticipating, etc., to allow for that immediate grounding and connection.

It’s an overcast Friday afternoon – this is telling the reader it’s overcast. Could you show them? Maybe: “Steel grey clouds blanket the sky” or similar - and my last class for the week has been cancelled. – is the cancelling of this class pertinent to the story? If so, perhaps give the reason; if not, perhaps delete or simply mention that it’s common for classes to be cancelled – No one can focus anyway, not with our first exam scheduled for Monday. I’m free for the weekend. – is this unusual for the character? Can you include something that shows the reader what they usually do at the weekends or maybe that being free is pretty normal? Let them begin to connect to the character and their life – Stuck at the Tower, but free nonetheless. Most importantly, I have forced my friend Rupert to help me uncover what could be the most explosive secret to rock the Tower walls since the Ravens stole the keys in 2012 and almost caused nationwide panic. But Rupert's late. – how does the opening paragraph link into the second? Is the character at the scaffold site now, waiting? Is she suggesting her weekend of being free has already started because of the cancelled class? Is the Tower also where the scaffold site is? Can we see more of where the character is – the Tower or the scaffold; are there views from her elevated position; is she in a garden? Consider blending in a little more of her location, how it makes her feel, how uncovering this secret is making her feel and her physical reaction to this? Is she staring at the same words in her book over and over, only focused on what the coming days could bring, her stomach roiling at just the thought of this big secret? So far, even though it’s only the first paragraphs, it’s difficult to connect to the protagonist as we don’t get to hear their voice or see any of their important traits.

I glance up from my book as George, a Tower Raven, craws from – delete “from” here as it’s superfluous – beside me. He leaps down from the bench and hops away across Tower Green – can you blend in a description of Tower Green? Is it an extensive lawn stretching out ahead? Does the character like it here? Do they like George? Show us a little more of their reaction and emotion so the reader can connect –. I'm too busy watching George make his escape to notice the shadow looming over me. – If she's too busy to notice, how does she know the shadow's there? Might she instead say: “As George makes his escape, a shadow looms over me.” Or similar – I’m trapped. – why does the character feel trapped by simply a shadow? Do they have a particular fear of people or an instinctive paranoia borne of past events?

Someone is standing – revise to “stands” – beside the bench, I can feel them – consider deleting “I can feel them” and replace with something more urgent. Perhaps “My paranoia burns; someone’s eyes are boring into me” or similar – staring at me. I glance up, – “I glance up” was used at the opening of the previous paragraph. Consider revising to avoid repetition. – then – “Then” is often telling. Suggest cutting whenever possible – take a deep breath, and turn away; he isn't who I'm waiting for. Pity though, he has beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes, and under normal circumstances I’d totally be intrigued. – Suggest changing the order of this sentence and making it active. “Pity though, under normal circumstance I'd totally be intrigued with his beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes.” Or similar.   

I have three primary rules for surviving life at Her Majesty’s Palace and Fortress the Tower of London:

Rule 1. Never initiate contact with the visitors; – replace the semi-colon with periods –

Rule 2. Never forget you’re always watched;

Rule 3. Never leave the house without being photo ready.

It’s an intriguing opening, particularly with the mention of this huge secret and the setting of the Tower of London. However; at present the scene does run the risk of feeling a little disjointed. A reader might question exactly where the story is going because they know little about who the main character is, what it is they want and why they want it? What's stopping them from getting what they want? What will happen if the character doesn't get what they want? Of course, it’s impossible to answer all of these questions in the opening 250 words, but by including more of the protagonist’s personality, trying to blend in their one main flaw or strength that sets the internal conflict in motion (perhaps this secret could be their ticket to fame or escape that they so desperately desire), by showing how the surroundings make them feel and react (the ravens put them at ease), how their responsibilities or the mundane make them feel trapped or maybe they thrive on routine, and so on, will allow the reader to see the character and start to build their all important profile of them.