February 250-Word Live Critique!

And we're back with our second live critique of 2018 and our first of February. 

As before, we have the unedited version first, followed by that with our edits included. If you have any thoughts, leave your comment below.
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I don’t work weekends. The mortuary has business on these days but the benefit of being the boss is letting the part-timers deal with grieving friends and hysterical families.

I had been reading about dissection before being called out.

My intern had vomited in the bushes and refused to go back in to the crime scene. I wasn’t paying him enough to brave it, either.

The Rods was the worst part of town. Full of government housing gone bad and whole tenements of crack heads and their dealers. Gangs roamed the streets in tattooed mobs and if there were bricks under some of the graffiti all over buildings, I’d never seen them. There’s an old adage that every day, someone dies. In the Rods, it felt like it. The city had fallen into disrepair and it was obvious here most of all.

Recession had hit hard, and these were the people who suffered. I’d gotten pretty good at navigating my motorcycle through the alleys and streets that ate at the heart of the Rods and I still didn’t like getting call-outs.

Raymond June had been calling on me almost daily for a month now, because we had a body almost every day for a month; at the rate it was going, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people.

The Rods was a ghost town; barely a car on the road, no one loitering on the sidewalks, just a few scared faces peering out from behind the safety of their windows.

I parked my bike beside a blue and white cop car and flashed my ID badge at the guy on perimeter. He waved me through and I nodded at a few of the familiar faces. The press weren’t here. A nice change from the last crime scene, but only a matter of time. I must have been June’s first call.

Raymond June was drinking coffee from a small cup, standing to one side, he noticed my approach and finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over. He was tall, a little over six-foot, and well built. Twenty years ago he’d been drop-dead handsome and charming. Now, his face had a few scars from bad encounters and he walked with a slight limp under his worn woollen coat.

I brushed some hair behind my ear, conscious of my appearance whenever he gave me his full attention.

He’d gotten that limp from being stabbed by a troll with an umbrella and too much tequilla, “Sorry to have to break up your day off.”
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“I don’t mind,” I stared at my feet, finally gathering the courage to indicate the crime scene, “I can smell the blood; is it…?”

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​I don’t work weekends. The mortuary has business on these days – add a comma after “days” as the subject in the clause following “but” is no longer the mortuary – but the benefit of being the boss is letting the part-timers deal with grieving friends and hysterical families. – This is a great opening paragraph. We immediately learn some interesting points about the character including their dark and dry sense of humor.

I had – Perhaps a contraction here for smoother flow? “I’d been reading…” – been reading about dissection before being called out. – Another great sentence. However, a reader could possibly find the jump from the more general first paragraph to this specific statement a little disjointed. Perhaps include a transitional sentence to show the character and their reaction to the phone call. Could they place down the receiver with a deep sigh, mark the page before closing their book with another sigh? Can you continue to build on their sense of humor by showing the conversation as it happens and incorporating the following sentence? Perhaps: “You’ve vomited, okay … in the bushes ...” I rubbed my eyes, knowing exactly where this was going. “Mm hm, and you simply can’t return to the crime scene.” I folded the corner of my page—Dissection Troubleshooting would have to wait—and closed the book with a sigh.” Or similar.

My intern had vomited in the bushes and refused to go back in to the crime scene. I wasn’t paying him enough to brave it, either.

The Rods was the worst part of town. Full of government housing gone bad and whole tenements of crack heads and their dealers. Gangs roamed the streets in tattooed mobs and if there were bricks under some of the graffiti all over buildings, I’d never seen them. There’s an old adage that every day, someone dies. In the Rods, it felt like it. The city had fallen into disrepair and it was obvious here most of all. – A reader might feel the second part of this paragraph is a bit heavy-handed on the telling, especially since you just used a lot of details to show us in the first half. Trust your prose enough to get this type of subtext across without having to spell it out for the reader.

Recession had hit hard, and these were the people who suffered. – With this structural set-up (“Recession had hit hard”) we tend to expect a modifier in the second half (“and these were the people who suffered the most”). Otherwise, a reader might think you’re saying these are the only people who suffered because of the recession. – I’d gotten pretty good at navigating my motorcycle through the alleys and streets that ate at the heart of the Rods and – perhaps replace “and” with “but” – I still didn’t like getting call-outs.

Raymond June had been calling on – “calling on me” reads a little like old-fashioned courting. You could use something like “calling on my skills/services”, or “calling me out.” – me almost daily for a month now, – Perhaps use an em-dash here instead of the comma to emphasize the reason for the call outs – because we had a body almost every day for a month; at the rate it was going, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people. –You’ve created great tension and stakes here and it’s really intriguing, especially as it’s passed on via the character’s dry sense of humor. Perhaps to tighten this sentence and avoid any possible repetition of there being a murder every day, consider revising a little. Maybe simply: “Raymond June had been calling me out almost daily for a month now. At this rate, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people.” This should tell the reader all they need to know.

Perhaps add the time of day here, maybe the weather too to help ground the reader – The Rods was a ghost town; barely a car on the road, no one loitering on the sidewalks, just a few scared faces peering out from behind the safety of their windows.

I parked my bike beside a blue and white cop car and flashed my ID badge at the guy on perimeter. He waved me through – add a comma after “through” – and I nodded at a few – “a few” was used in the previous paragraph as well. Consider revising to avoid the repetition – of the familiar faces. The press weren’t here. A nice change from the last crime scene, but only a matter of time. I must have been June’s first call.

Raymond June – Could you tell us who June is here instead of using his name again like you have above? It will help build the world and relationships of the character – was drinking coffee from a small cup, standing to one side, – Replace the comma here with a period or a semi-colon – he noticed my approach and finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over. – Try flipping this order around, so you have the finite action first, followed by the ongoing action. Perhaps: “Raymond stood to one side (maybe add here to the side of what exactly), drinking coffee from a small cup.” And then to follow: “When he noticed my approach, he finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over.” This way is shorter, clearer, and keeps focus on Raymond. The coffee drinking is an unimportant afterthought. Also, what does he huddle over? This is rather an ambiguous action! – He was tall, a little over six-foot, and well built. Twenty years ago he’d been drop-dead handsome and charming. Now, his face had a few scars from bad encounters and he walked with a slight limp under his worn woollen coat.

I brushed some hair behind my ear, conscious of my appearance whenever he gave me his full attention. – Perhaps move this so it comes before the main character’s first piece of dialogue beginning “I don’t mind.”

He’d gotten that limp from being stabbed by a troll with an umbrella and too much tequilla, – one “l” in tequila – Replace this comma with a period as this is not a dialogue tag; it’s a completed action – “Sorry to have to break up your day off.” – Perhaps move these sentences to directly after the first mention of his limp earlier, so to follow “…under his worn woollen coat. He’d gotten that limp…”

“I don’t mind,” – Replace the comma with a period again, as what follows is a completed  action and not a dialogue tag – I stared at my feet, finally gathering the courage to indicate the crime scene, – Again replace the comma with a period – Also, why exactly is the character having to gather courage? So far, they haven’t appeared to be particularly squeamish, in fact they seem very blasé about their job, dead people, hysterical families, and the run down part of town, so perhaps be a little clearer about why they need courage for looking at a crime scene – “I can smell the blood; is it…?” – We only know the character can smell blood because they specifically tell someone else here. Consider weaving in more sights, smells, sounds, etc. into the scene earlier to ground the reader in this world and continue the rather dark tone.

Overall this is a strong start and we are sure a reader will be eager to know more about the story and what’s going on with this serial killer on the loose. If you could sneak in just a tiny bit more detail, so the reader can picture the setting and characters more, if you can ground your readers and build in some sensory details, they will become more invested and this will elevate the opening page to hook anyone reading.