250-Word Critique 2017 # 3

It's time for our third 250-word critique of 2017. We hope you're enjoying the blogs. Today we're checking out the first 250 words of a middle grade mystery with a touch of magical realism! We start with the unedited version and then second comes the excerpt with our suggestions. Make sure you leave your comments at the end.

​Off we go!

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​Chester sat in the last row in the last car of the train, knees pressed up against the empty seat in front of him. The other passengers clustered near the front of the car, all except a greyish woman wearing a flowery scarf barely hiding a large bald spot. She sat halfway back under a No Smoking sign. Chester admired how she puffed away on her cigarette, not caring. Outside, trees streamed past like people in the City, hurrying along while ignoring all the others hurrying as well. Chester knew all about being ignored.

A bump on the tracks shook the old journal off Chester’s lap, and he lunged to grab it before it fell to the floor. The binding barely clung to book’s spine, and he held it gingerly on his lap. A musty smell rose from its pages, mingled with the cigarette smoke, and made his throat scratchy.

A dad should give his son a new bike or cool video game instead of a weird stinky book. Not that Chester knew. All he’d ever known were Mom and Lacey, the two most boring moms in the history of motherhood. Until a few weeks ago, Chester never thought much about his father, who seemed to exist only as an occasional frown between Mom and Lacey. Now the dad he’d never even met was dead, and Chester didn’t know what to feel. Or why the mysterious book showed up in the mail.

 
Chester sat – “sat”, used in an opening sentence might be considered a rather weak verb as it doesn’t show a great deal of the character or setting. Could you show us how Chester sits? Does he plop in his seat with a sigh, thus showing his mood? Does he slide into his seat, thus showing how he’s trying to go undetected? If he’s already in his seat as the scene opens, might we see him in action as he sits? Does he lean his head against the window with a deep sigh? Does he stare dreamily out the window at the passing scenery? Does he eye fellow passengers warily with his keen eye? Try to build some of his character, his current mood and emotion, into the opener so the reader can immediately make a connection, begin to ask some questions in the last row in the last car of the train, knees pressed up – perhaps blend in a small description of his clothing. Does the material of the seat in front irritate his bare skin? Do his feet dangle to show he is a small child, or are they pressed uncomfortably against the rough seat back to show his height, or is he slouching thus showing why his legs press against the seat? Give the reader a subtle clue as to Chester’s appearance and age against the empty seat in front of him. The other passengers clustered near the front of the car, all except a grayish – what precisely is “grayish” about the woman? Her skin, her hair? woman wearing a flowery scarf barely hiding a large bald spot – so is the scarf wrapped around her head? Do unkempt, gray curls poke out of the front and back? Is the scarf so poorly wrapped around her head, it has come loose at the back thus revealing the bald spot? Perhaps blend in some more finer detail so the reader can see her more clearly, even if she isn’t important. She sat – as per the first comment, rather than telling us that she sat halfway back under the sign, perhaps show how the woman sits and how she moves. Does she scoot into her seat, cigarette hanging from her lips as she removes her bag from her shoulder? Does she grunt and groan as she repositions herself in the seat thus catching Chester’s attention, leaning back and removing the cigarette with a giant cloud of smoke puffing up and covering the NO SMOKING sign? halfway back under a No Smoking sign. Chester admired how she puffed away on her cigarette, not caring. Outside, trees streamed past like people in the City, hurrying along while ignoring all the others hurrying as well – consider revising this sentence for smoother flow and to avoid the repetition of “hurrying”. Maybe something like “Chester shifted his gaze to outside, to the trees streaming past like people in the City. All dashing and darting, ignoring other hurrying pedestrians” or similar. Chester knew all about being ignored.

A bump on the tracks shook the old journal off Chester’s lap – perhaps, if the journal has importance, show Chester’s hand on it in the opening line or offer a visual of it straight away, and he lunged to grab it before it fell to the floor. The binding barely clung to the book’s spine, and he held it gingerly on his lap – to avoid the close repetition of “lap”, perhaps show how Chester replaces the book on to his thighs with care, with a sigh of relief, or how he clutches it after the rescue, eyeing its cover to ensure he hasn’t damaged it in any way, or similar. A musty smell rose from its pages, mingled with the cigarette smoke, and made his throat scratchy. – rather than telling the reader the smell made his throat scratchy perhaps show them. “Chester coughed, an irritating tickle in his throat as a musty smell rose from its pages and mingled with the woman’s cigarette smoke” or similar.

A dad should give his son a new bike or cool video game instead of a weird, stinky book. Not that Chester knew. All he’d ever known were Mom and Lacey, the two most boring moms in the history of motherhood. Until a few weeks ago, Chester never thought much about his father, who seemed to exist only as an occasional frown between Mom and Lacey. Now the dad he’d never even met was dead, and Chester didn’t know what to feel. Or why the mysterious book showed up in the mail.
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Overall, this is an interesting opening. As this is the first 250 words of the manuscript, perhaps by building a little more around the inciting event here, what actually makes this day different, what has set Chester’s story in motion – which we presume lies in the death of his father and the gift of this journal – might help raise those all important questions and intrigue in the reader. Although this is clearly hinted at in the last paragraph, which works just fine, perhaps by showing Chester’s emotions, by showing his treatment of the journal from the first sentences – the rough, scratched exterior, the words embossed as he runs his fingertips over them, reading them in his head, glittering and enticing him in, the smell as mentioned – might help in drawing a reader just a little more into the pages. Is this train journey one he takes regularly, or this trip associated with the journal? We learn that the journal arrives in the mail but was it on that same day? Has Chester snuck the book into his bag?

Could the opening page perhaps begin with Chester at home, the mailman arriving with this mysterious package, with Mom and Lacey gossiping at the kitchen table and Chester overhearing them discussing his father’s death, etc. Might his mom frown upon the book and not want him to have it, creating conflict from the start. Or might she make a rude remark or avoid responding when she discovers who the package is from?

The next scene could show him boarding the train and give the reader information as to where he's going. He might pull the journal from his backpack and examine it from front to back, wondering, worrying about what he'll find inside. But can't bring himself to read it yet. Nor can he make himself put it away. It's the only thing he owns that his father touched, and he feels a strong connection to it that he can't explain. Perhaps this is the one day of his life he’s pleased to be ignored so he can focus on what this mysterious package contains

Perhaps, also, some more indication as to what Chester’s goal is, his desires, might assist in setting up the internal journey he is about to take. Does he crave friendship, acceptance, a father figure, to be noticed? Maybe a hint or two on top of the mention of him knowing how it feels to be ignored might help the reader connect to his character.  
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Of course, these are just ideas, suggestions to entice a reader in with some further detail, mystery and importantly injecting subtle clues into Chester’s character and conflict.
 
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