And we're back with our second live critique of 2018 and our first of February. 

As before, we have the unedited version first, followed by that with our edits included. If you have any thoughts, leave your comment below.
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I don’t work weekends. The mortuary has business on these days but the benefit of being the boss is letting the part-timers deal with grieving friends and hysterical families.

I had been reading about dissection before being called out.

My intern had vomited in the bushes and refused to go back in to the crime scene. I wasn’t paying him enough to brave it, either.

The Rods was the worst part of town. Full of government housing gone bad and whole tenements of crack heads and their dealers. Gangs roamed the streets in tattooed mobs and if there were bricks under some of the graffiti all over buildings, I’d never seen them. There’s an old adage that every day, someone dies. In the Rods, it felt like it. The city had fallen into disrepair and it was obvious here most of all.

Recession had hit hard, and these were the people who suffered. I’d gotten pretty good at navigating my motorcycle through the alleys and streets that ate at the heart of the Rods and I still didn’t like getting call-outs.

Raymond June had been calling on me almost daily for a month now, because we had a body almost every day for a month; at the rate it was going, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people.

The Rods was a ghost town; barely a car on the road, no one loitering on the sidewalks, just a few scared faces peering out from behind the safety of their windows.

I parked my bike beside a blue and white cop car and flashed my ID badge at the guy on perimeter. He waved me through and I nodded at a few of the familiar faces. The press weren’t here. A nice change from the last crime scene, but only a matter of time. I must have been June’s first call.

Raymond June was drinking coffee from a small cup, standing to one side, he noticed my approach and finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over. He was tall, a little over six-foot, and well built. Twenty years ago he’d been drop-dead handsome and charming. Now, his face had a few scars from bad encounters and he walked with a slight limp under his worn woollen coat.

I brushed some hair behind my ear, conscious of my appearance whenever he gave me his full attention.

He’d gotten that limp from being stabbed by a troll with an umbrella and too much tequilla, “Sorry to have to break up your day off.”
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“I don’t mind,” I stared at my feet, finally gathering the courage to indicate the crime scene, “I can smell the blood; is it…?”

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​I don’t work weekends. The mortuary has business on these days – add a comma after “days” as the subject in the clause following “but” is no longer the mortuary – but the benefit of being the boss is letting the part-timers deal with grieving friends and hysterical families. – This is a great opening paragraph. We immediately learn some interesting points about the character including their dark and dry sense of humor.

I had – Perhaps a contraction here for smoother flow? “I’d been reading…” – been reading about dissection before being called out. – Another great sentence. However, a reader could possibly find the jump from the more general first paragraph to this specific statement a little disjointed. Perhaps include a transitional sentence to show the character and their reaction to the phone call. Could they place down the receiver with a deep sigh, mark the page before closing their book with another sigh? Can you continue to build on their sense of humor by showing the conversation as it happens and incorporating the following sentence? Perhaps: “You’ve vomited, okay … in the bushes ...” I rubbed my eyes, knowing exactly where this was going. “Mm hm, and you simply can’t return to the crime scene.” I folded the corner of my page—Dissection Troubleshooting would have to wait—and closed the book with a sigh.” Or similar.

My intern had vomited in the bushes and refused to go back in to the crime scene. I wasn’t paying him enough to brave it, either.

The Rods was the worst part of town. Full of government housing gone bad and whole tenements of crack heads and their dealers. Gangs roamed the streets in tattooed mobs and if there were bricks under some of the graffiti all over buildings, I’d never seen them. There’s an old adage that every day, someone dies. In the Rods, it felt like it. The city had fallen into disrepair and it was obvious here most of all. – A reader might feel the second part of this paragraph is a bit heavy-handed on the telling, especially since you just used a lot of details to show us in the first half. Trust your prose enough to get this type of subtext across without having to spell it out for the reader.

Recession had hit hard, and these were the people who suffered. – With this structural set-up (“Recession had hit hard”) we tend to expect a modifier in the second half (“and these were the people who suffered the most”). Otherwise, a reader might think you’re saying these are the only people who suffered because of the recession. – I’d gotten pretty good at navigating my motorcycle through the alleys and streets that ate at the heart of the Rods and – perhaps replace “and” with “but” – I still didn’t like getting call-outs.

Raymond June had been calling on – “calling on me” reads a little like old-fashioned courting. You could use something like “calling on my skills/services”, or “calling me out.” – me almost daily for a month now, – Perhaps use an em-dash here instead of the comma to emphasize the reason for the call outs – because we had a body almost every day for a month; at the rate it was going, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people. –You’ve created great tension and stakes here and it’s really intriguing, especially as it’s passed on via the character’s dry sense of humor. Perhaps to tighten this sentence and avoid any possible repetition of there being a murder every day, consider revising a little. Maybe simply: “Raymond June had been calling me out almost daily for a month now. At this rate, it wouldn’t be long before the killer ran out of people.” This should tell the reader all they need to know.

Perhaps add the time of day here, maybe the weather too to help ground the reader – The Rods was a ghost town; barely a car on the road, no one loitering on the sidewalks, just a few scared faces peering out from behind the safety of their windows.

I parked my bike beside a blue and white cop car and flashed my ID badge at the guy on perimeter. He waved me through – add a comma after “through” – and I nodded at a few – “a few” was used in the previous paragraph as well. Consider revising to avoid the repetition – of the familiar faces. The press weren’t here. A nice change from the last crime scene, but only a matter of time. I must have been June’s first call.

Raymond June – Could you tell us who June is here instead of using his name again like you have above? It will help build the world and relationships of the character – was drinking coffee from a small cup, standing to one side, – Replace the comma here with a period or a semi-colon – he noticed my approach and finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over. – Try flipping this order around, so you have the finite action first, followed by the ongoing action. Perhaps: “Raymond stood to one side (maybe add here to the side of what exactly), drinking coffee from a small cup.” And then to follow: “When he noticed my approach, he finished his cigarette in a few puffs, took a sip of his coffee and huddled over.” This way is shorter, clearer, and keeps focus on Raymond. The coffee drinking is an unimportant afterthought. Also, what does he huddle over? This is rather an ambiguous action! – He was tall, a little over six-foot, and well built. Twenty years ago he’d been drop-dead handsome and charming. Now, his face had a few scars from bad encounters and he walked with a slight limp under his worn woollen coat.

I brushed some hair behind my ear, conscious of my appearance whenever he gave me his full attention. – Perhaps move this so it comes before the main character’s first piece of dialogue beginning “I don’t mind.”

He’d gotten that limp from being stabbed by a troll with an umbrella and too much tequilla, – one “l” in tequila – Replace this comma with a period as this is not a dialogue tag; it’s a completed action – “Sorry to have to break up your day off.” – Perhaps move these sentences to directly after the first mention of his limp earlier, so to follow “…under his worn woollen coat. He’d gotten that limp…”

“I don’t mind,” – Replace the comma with a period again, as what follows is a completed  action and not a dialogue tag – I stared at my feet, finally gathering the courage to indicate the crime scene, – Again replace the comma with a period – Also, why exactly is the character having to gather courage? So far, they haven’t appeared to be particularly squeamish, in fact they seem very blasé about their job, dead people, hysterical families, and the run down part of town, so perhaps be a little clearer about why they need courage for looking at a crime scene – “I can smell the blood; is it…?” – We only know the character can smell blood because they specifically tell someone else here. Consider weaving in more sights, smells, sounds, etc. into the scene earlier to ground the reader in this world and continue the rather dark tone.

Overall this is a strong start and we are sure a reader will be eager to know more about the story and what’s going on with this serial killer on the loose. If you could sneak in just a tiny bit more detail, so the reader can picture the setting and characters more, if you can ground your readers and build in some sensory details, they will become more invested and this will elevate the opening page to hook anyone reading.

And we're back with our very popular LIVE CRITIQUES!

That's right. Every other Monday, we'll be posting critiques of writers' first 250 words or query letters; anonymous, of course. If you would like to have your work critiqued, then watch out for our calls for submissions on Twitter and Facebook once a month! It's a first-come, first-served arrangement.  

Anyway, here we go with the first of 2018! The format is the same as it always was. First, is the excerpt without our suggestions and then with. We love feedback, so if you want to add anything, or disagree with our thoughts, or have found this blog helpful, please leave a comment at the end. 

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To say the site of the scaffold is our regular meeting place is not entirely correct. Instead, we usually meet near the monument to those who lost their heads; the actual scaffold site is technically a little further away.

It’s an overcast Friday afternoon and my last class for the week been cancelled. No one can focus anyway, not with our first exam scheduled for Monday. I’m free for the weekend. Stuck at the Tower, but free nonetheless. Most importantly, I have forced my friend Rupert to help me uncover what could be the most explosive secret to rock the Tower walls since the Ravens stole the keys in 2012 and almost caused nationwide panic. But Rupert's late.

I glance up from my book as George, a Tower Raven, craws from beside me. He leaps down from the bench and hops away across Tower Green. I'm too busy watching George make his escape to notice the shadow looming over me. I’m trapped.

Someone is standing beside the bench, I can feel them staring at me. I glance up, then take a deep breath, and turn away; he isn't who I'm waiting for. Pity though, he has beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes, and under normal circumstances I’d totally be intrigued.

I have three primary rules for surviving life at Her Majesty’s Palace and Fortress the Tower of London:

Rule 1. Never initiate contact with the visitors;

Rule 2. Never forget you’re always watched;
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Rule 3. Never leave the house without being photo ready.

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To say the site of the scaffold is our regular meeting place is not entirely correct. Instead, we usually meet – as you have used “meeting” and “meet” in the first two sentences, consider revising to avoid repetition. Perhaps “rendezvous” or “gather” or similar – near the monument to those who lost their heads; the actual scaffold site is technically a little further away. – this is certainly an intriguing opening paragraph; however, to ensure the reader is hooked from the very first line, consider rearranging slightly. Perhaps use the second sentence, which mentions the monument to those who lost the heads, as the first line to make a reader want to find out more about this. Or, perhaps, show the character in the opening line/paragraph, how they are currently feeling, what they are anticipating, etc., to allow for that immediate grounding and connection.

It’s an overcast Friday afternoon – this is telling the reader it’s overcast. Could you show them? Maybe: “Steel grey clouds blanket the sky” or similar - and my last class for the week has been cancelled. – is the cancelling of this class pertinent to the story? If so, perhaps give the reason; if not, perhaps delete or simply mention that it’s common for classes to be cancelled – No one can focus anyway, not with our first exam scheduled for Monday. I’m free for the weekend. – is this unusual for the character? Can you include something that shows the reader what they usually do at the weekends or maybe that being free is pretty normal? Let them begin to connect to the character and their life – Stuck at the Tower, but free nonetheless. Most importantly, I have forced my friend Rupert to help me uncover what could be the most explosive secret to rock the Tower walls since the Ravens stole the keys in 2012 and almost caused nationwide panic. But Rupert's late. – how does the opening paragraph link into the second? Is the character at the scaffold site now, waiting? Is she suggesting her weekend of being free has already started because of the cancelled class? Is the Tower also where the scaffold site is? Can we see more of where the character is – the Tower or the scaffold; are there views from her elevated position; is she in a garden? Consider blending in a little more of her location, how it makes her feel, how uncovering this secret is making her feel and her physical reaction to this? Is she staring at the same words in her book over and over, only focused on what the coming days could bring, her stomach roiling at just the thought of this big secret? So far, even though it’s only the first paragraphs, it’s difficult to connect to the protagonist as we don’t get to hear their voice or see any of their important traits.

I glance up from my book as George, a Tower Raven, craws from – delete “from” here as it’s superfluous – beside me. He leaps down from the bench and hops away across Tower Green – can you blend in a description of Tower Green? Is it an extensive lawn stretching out ahead? Does the character like it here? Do they like George? Show us a little more of their reaction and emotion so the reader can connect –. I'm too busy watching George make his escape to notice the shadow looming over me. – If she's too busy to notice, how does she know the shadow's there? Might she instead say: “As George makes his escape, a shadow looms over me.” Or similar – I’m trapped. – why does the character feel trapped by simply a shadow? Do they have a particular fear of people or an instinctive paranoia borne of past events?

Someone is standing – revise to “stands” – beside the bench, I can feel them – consider deleting “I can feel them” and replace with something more urgent. Perhaps “My paranoia burns; someone’s eyes are boring into me” or similar – staring at me. I glance up, – “I glance up” was used at the opening of the previous paragraph. Consider revising to avoid repetition. – then – “Then” is often telling. Suggest cutting whenever possible – take a deep breath, and turn away; he isn't who I'm waiting for. Pity though, he has beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes, and under normal circumstances I’d totally be intrigued. – Suggest changing the order of this sentence and making it active. “Pity though, under normal circumstance I'd totally be intrigued with his beautiful bright red hair and clear green eyes.” Or similar.   

I have three primary rules for surviving life at Her Majesty’s Palace and Fortress the Tower of London:

Rule 1. Never initiate contact with the visitors; – replace the semi-colon with periods –

Rule 2. Never forget you’re always watched;

Rule 3. Never leave the house without being photo ready.

It’s an intriguing opening, particularly with the mention of this huge secret and the setting of the Tower of London. However; at present the scene does run the risk of feeling a little disjointed. A reader might question exactly where the story is going because they know little about who the main character is, what it is they want and why they want it? What's stopping them from getting what they want? What will happen if the character doesn't get what they want? Of course, it’s impossible to answer all of these questions in the opening 250 words, but by including more of the protagonist’s personality, trying to blend in their one main flaw or strength that sets the internal conflict in motion (perhaps this secret could be their ticket to fame or escape that they so desperately desire), by showing how the surroundings make them feel and react (the ravens put them at ease), how their responsibilities or the mundane make them feel trapped or maybe they thrive on routine, and so on, will allow the reader to see the character and start to build their all important profile of them. 

Hello! We hope your new week has got off to a great start. We're kicking ours off with another 250-word critique. And this time we have an adult dark romance. As usual, the "clean" version comes first and the edited version second. Be sure to leave your comments below; we'd love to hear what you think of our suggestions and if you have any further advice for the author.

​Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket.

Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

Court’s words. Not mine.

Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house.  It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.
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Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test. – This is a great opening, but perhaps restructure to ensure maximum voice for effect and to maybe add some visual to ground the reader. Perhaps:

“Thirty-six.
Two kids Satan would disown.
And squeezed into too-small skinny pants.
I glance around to make sure no eyes are on me and discretely as possible yank the damn things out my backside. It gets worse; the spread at this wake is so freaking large these size 10s are probably going to burst by the time I leave.”

Or similar.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world – Perhaps add an em-dash here, between “world” and “if”, to maximise the impact of this brilliant and shocking revelation –if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket. – As she is responsible for this person’s death and there was likely a trial, would she even be here? Wouldn’t other guests, family members, recognize her; and if they do aren’t they mad or bitter or even curious? Might she feel their eyes on her, or hear their passing mutterings? How does she feel about what she’s done, about being here? Guilty or nervous, perhaps? Can we see this? Does she sweat profusely; is her stomach rising and dipping like a boat in choppy seas; does the smell and sight of the enormous spread make her nauseous; is she downing her wine too quickly? Perhaps blend in some visceral reactions in the early paragraphs so the reader can connect with her, and maybe include a clue so they can start to understand her motivations for being here, how she feels about what she’s done, and so on.

 Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

 Court’s words. Not mine. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought.

 “Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover” – Perhaps place this first part of the sentence into quote marks as shown to ensure it stands out – Also, if this is the case and proven in court, would she not have received a punishment? Is this not illegal in the country of this story to use mobile phones whilst driving? – would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house. It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility, people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving. – Has the girl interrupted her thoughts? Does Tessa startle at the voice, or has she seen this girl approaching and doing the rounds to guests so has been preparing? Is Tessa scatty, observant, away with the fairies? Perhaps build in a clue.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought and also add to the previous paragraph as it continues her thoughts on from the previous sentence.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body, and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought, and perhaps add to the previous paragraph as it continues her opinion and thought on this young girl.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer. – Perhaps restructure the sentence slightly for smoother flow. Maybe: “Waiting for me to answer, she left a pink lipstick (and so on)...” or similar.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who – Using “who” here suggests it is the uncle who is doing the wishing. Simply replace “who” with “and” – wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, – Perhaps an em-dash instead of a comma might be more effective in showing the reader the shock and humor behind the character knowing her nails are unmanicured. So: “I offered my hand—unmanicured nails and all.” – unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.

Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

There are some very interesting things going on in this scene and it makes for an intriguing opening full of strong voice. But what is the inciting event? Is it going to the wake of the man she killed? Is it meeting the man's niece? What's different about this day that will change the course of her life? And what does your character want? Perhaps blend in some subtle clues so the reader can ask those all important early questions.

Most importantly, give the reader a reason to love the protagonist by helping them connect with her. Allowing them to experience what the main character does is the best way to form a quick and strong connection between the reader and protagonist.

So consider weaving in some more of the five senses as well as visceral reactions and nervous habits; really start to mold the character so the reader can begin getting to know her. Could we smell the food, hear the dull chatter of the other guests? Can we get a clue as to where this wake is taking place—a house, a church, a pub, etc? Is she uncomfortable, nervous, guilty, indifferent? And be sure to SHOW rather than tell the reader.
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Finally, there is a mixture of both present and past tense throughout. Decide in which the story is to be told and stick with that. If past tense, then ensure all the narrative other than her direct thoughts (which will be placed in italics) is consistent, or switch everything to present.​

And we're back! After a stupid busy few weeks, we're returning with some more regular 250-word critiques, and today it's a YA sci-fi under the spotlight. The 'clean' version comes first, and then the edited version second. Let us know what you think in the comments!

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message for the thousandth time; she felt the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped.

She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids? She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.

A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M, the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay?

Yeah, right.
​
Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?
​

The twin psychic bond theory? – An interesting opening line; this is likely to intrigue a reader – Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. – Maybe just one ‘Pfft’ is enough to get the point across – In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message – Is the video message coming out of her bracelet, or is it a screen on the bracelet, or is the message aired on somewhere other than the bracelet? Perhaps clarify so the reader has a clear visual – for the thousandth time; she felt – ‘to feel’ is considered a filter verb and thus telling; consider revising. See further on for an example – the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body. – Is the buzz from a new telepathic link to her twin or from the bracelet? A reader might not be sure. If it is the former, then perhaps removing the word ‘familiar’ might make more sense. If she has never telepathically linked to him before then this feeling might be new.
– This last sentence definitely raises intrigue and questions; such as, why is this his last video message, and what is this L.I.N.K. bracelet? However, perhaps this might be stronger if the reader can see the message, what Holly is watching, as it happens. So maybe show the reader her brother on the screen, his dilated pupils, awkward smile, floppy brown hair, and so on. See further on for a rewrite example.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped. – Is Holly still on the jet? If so, perhaps ground the reader here by letting them feel the jolt and see Holly gripping the seat arms. If not, maybe show how she is a little wobbly on her legs as she walks (insert here: toward something) because of the last hour of turbulence. Perhaps also blend in the presence of someone else she is with or show her alone. What is she surrounded by – boxes, crates, cages, etc? –
She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids – Can eyelids be creased? Or is this the skin around his eyes – ? – Is the nausea from the jolts and pitching or because she is worried about her brother? Or is it both? Perhaps clarify for the reader – She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. – as she is ‘addressing’ Danny, a comma needs to be added before his name – I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you. – Maybe reduce this inner thought to something a little shorter so as to ensure maximum impact on the reader and the urgency of Holly’s feelings. Or, perhaps cut the thought in half and blend two sets of thoughts into some body language or action or similar.
 
– Consider blending the previous two paragraphs into one for stronger writing and to show Holly, where she is, and let the reader share her emotion and see her surroundings. Perhaps:
 
‘Holly hit ‘play’ once more, probably for the thousandth time. Danny’s smile lit up the messaging screen on her L.I.N.K. bracelet. She gripped the band around her wrist as its familiar buzz pulsated through her veins – every cell vibrating – and caught in a continuous scream around her body. Nausea swam in her stomach. He was smiling, sure, but those eyes... dilated pupils, creased eyelids.  She’d seen that look before. I’m going to find you, Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you.

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother.
 
A sudden jolt shook her from her brother’s image, and she slammed her palms on to the surrounding boxes. She swallowed hard at the rising vomit. The last hour wedged in a cargo jet in turbulence at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped much. She closed her eyes. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.’
 
Or similar. Of course some words have been changed here to allow for more showing, detail, and tighter writing, and perhaps some of the facts have been misunderstood, but this is an example of how the words might lift further from the page if simply rearranged.
 
A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small – What does small mean? Is it a similar size to a wristwatch? Perhaps offer the reader a more precise idea, let them see the bracelet more clearly – computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M., the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 – Write numbers up to 100 out in words – different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay? – These last two questions could be smoother and incorporate stronger language. Perhaps: ‘But her brother’s current location? If he was okay?’ or similar.

​Yeah, right.
​
​Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?

​Overall, this is certainly an opening that has plenty of intrigue and hook and should work to force a reader to ask some questions. Perhaps with some simple shuffling of words and tightening of sentences, switching telling to showing, and adding some more voice, will elevate the writing and immediately throw a reader into the scene and action, and let them share Holly’s emotion as they sit with her.

So what do you think? Do you agree? Would you advise anything different? Put your editing cap on and leave your comments below!
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Sailor, my dog, was dead. That was the only thing I knew. That, and the fact that my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real.

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them treading careful steps in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.
​
One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

​And here it is again with our suggestions!


Sailor, my dog, – Perhaps the opening would be stronger and more of a hook if “my dog” was removed. So simply “Sailor was dead.” was dead. That was the only thing I knew. – Perhaps here would be a stronger place to clarify what Sailor is. As follows: “It was the only thing I knew: my dog was dead.” or similar That, and the fact that – Consider deleting the second “that” here in this sentence as the writing is tighter without it my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky – Watch out for close repetition of words; in this case “sky” is repeated three times in this opening every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be. – Consider revising this paragraph to show the character rather than her continuing to tell the reader what went on before. Give the reader some visuals so they can see the character and feel their emotions as they blend into the setting and the action. Perhaps: “I stood, numb. Rain pissed down like it was the end of a forty-year drought, drenching me, mocking me. My raincoat still hung in the laundry at home, forgotten, the last thing on my mind as I’d stumbled out the door. Lightning lit Sailor’s body every couple of seconds. Dad would probably be frantic by now, worrying where I was. Mum wouldn’t be. But none of that mattered.” Or similar.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first – By placing “first” here, it implies that the character saw what they are about to describe before anyone else. Consider revising to: “When I first saw them...” I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real. – A reader might raise a few questions here: Did the character see these creatures before they had left the house, when they found out Sailor was dead, or where they stand now in the rain? As they were numb with shock as they left the house, thus forgetting the coat, it implies that they knew Sailor was dead before they saw his body. Did Mum tell them what had happened? So, if at least one of their parents knew where they were going, why would Dad be frantic, wondering where they are?

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them, treading careful steps  – Perhaps use stronger verbs to really show how these creatures move and give the reader clear visuals. Maybe: “...twelve of them—prowling, skulking, deliberate” or similar in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.

One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

This is a very intriguing opening, lots of questions are raised. What are these creatures? Why is this character’s mum “sort of” involved in the death of Sailor? There are also some vivid visuals of the storm, the dead dog, and this pack of creatures in the sky. Great job.

However, at present, it is tricky to get a feel of how this event came about, as raised in some of the previous comments, and as readers, we don’t get to be the character, see them, know them.
​
Why did this character leave the house in shock – because they already knew about Sailor? If so, how did they find out? Are they standing in the rain now, looking at the dog, watching the creatures in the sky? Or are images of the creatures returning to them as the storm rages around them? By maybe showing the character and where they are now, perhaps allowing the reader to feel the chill gripping their skin, sodden jeans pasted to their thighs, feel drenched hair clinging to their face, seeing the lightning flash and the mound of fur illuminated, might offer a much more engaging and tense beginning. Currently, this event is passed on to the reader through telling, in back story, and therefore doesn’t throw the reader straight into the scene, engage their senses, or let them connect with the character. With some minor revisions, switching some of this to showing, the tone and urgency of the scene could immediately transform.  

 Today, we are critiquing live on the blog! Well, almost live. Actually not live at all. So that doesn't really work, but not to worry. What we do have for you is a critique of the first 250 words of a manuscript sent to us with permission from the author and posted here completely anonymous.

Editor's comments are in bold, italics, and underlined - just to be sure! Here we go...


Early morning mist danced with smoke from fires and battle. Does battle cause smoke? Could you use a different noun to portray the aftermath of battle? Perhaps: ...danced with smoke from the fires to the disharmonic sounds of battle. Death and rubble met my eyes at every point. Could you be more specific and focus on a certain dead person on the ground, how the blood stains his clothes, or his eyes screaming in pain, or his head in a ditch while his body lay across the field? And then, how does our narrator respond to this? Does her stomach clench, or is she numb to the killing? These extra details will offer the reader an immediate connection with the narrating character as well as clearer imagery of the scene. Gray skies hovered low across the crisp winter fields and refused to allow any light to shine on the consequences of greed and deceit that littered the land. The vastness of the devastation made it difficult to believe that this was what victory had earned us. These two sentences are vivid and strong, but perhaps by including the character's reactions, the scene would become stronger.

This opening paragraph is a haunting scene, but perhaps it would be stronger if inner monologue, visceral reactions, and more vivid descriptions were added.

“Malory.” Isobel placed a hand on my arm. The gentle, but insistent, pressure of my new Not sure 'NEW' is necessary here. This info could be blended in more subtly later  friend’s touch chased away the paralysis that had overcome me. Perhaps instead of 'overcome me' a stronger verb, such as 'flooded over me' or 'overwhelmed me' or similar might offer more impact. 

“Look at them all–,” Pinpoint crystals of ice hung like a veil in the air and stung at my cheeks. Tears warmed a path down my face as I surveyed the bodies on the ground. “—at what they’ve done.” The punctuation here is incorrect, since she’s not doing something to interrupt her own speech. Ellipses would be better: “Look at them all …” Pinpoint crystals of ice hung like a veil in the air and stung at my cheeks. Tears warmed a path down my face as I surveyed the bodies on the ground. “… at what they’ve done.” Otherwise, if adding a character action that breaks the dialogue, em-dashes used outside of the quote marks would be used: “Look at them all”—I swept my arms out in front of me and moved slowly in a circle, tears warming a path down my face—“and at what they’ve done.”

I forced my eyes to embrace every image. I wouldn’t turn away despite the horror that churned within me and threatened to spill out at any moment. Suggest adding vivid details here so the reader can see exactly what she sees. Otherwise, it’s a little telling. This burden was as much mine to bear, as my family’s and the traitors who’d aligned with them. Since the second part of the sentence is a phrase not a full sentence, the comma isn’t needed.

Among the stilled bodies—knights, as well as villagers—men writhed on the ground in the final throes of their march toward death. Life spilled from their wounds in gruesome clarity. A chasm ripped open in me as Perhaps it would be stronger here to just tell us what she sees and not pull the reader back from the scene a man tried desperately to force his own life back into his abdomen, his eyes begging me to assist him before realization settled over him. Perhaps this would have better impact with more vivid descriptions. Gross the reader out. Make us cringe with the MC. For example: A chasm ripped open in me as a man grabbed his entrails from the ground and desperately tried to force them back into his abdomen, his eyes begging me for assistance before realization settled over him. - What did he do then? How did realization settle over him? Did he cry? Scream? Wail? Say a prayer? Suggest adding his reaction to make it stronger.

My life would never see the end of this battle. Suggest revising for smoother flow. Perhaps: “I would never see the end of this battle” - and add voice to this. Example: With God as my witness, I would never see the end of this battle.


​So, what do you think? Do you agree with our comments? Would you suggest anything different? Has this been helpful?

​Leave your comments below! Let's talk editing!

​Would you like to have your first 250 words critiqued on our #EditFoster blog? Yes! Then send them over to contact@katejfoster.com with LIVE 250-WORD CRITIQUE in the subject line.

It's time for our third 250-word critique of 2017. We hope you're enjoying the blogs. Today we're checking out the first 250 words of a middle grade mystery with a touch of magical realism! We start with the unedited version and then second comes the excerpt with our suggestions. Make sure you leave your comments at the end.

​Off we go!

​

​Chester sat in the last row in the last car of the train, knees pressed up against the empty seat in front of him. The other passengers clustered near the front of the car, all except a greyish woman wearing a flowery scarf barely hiding a large bald spot. She sat halfway back under a No Smoking sign. Chester admired how she puffed away on her cigarette, not caring. Outside, trees streamed past like people in the City, hurrying along while ignoring all the others hurrying as well. Chester knew all about being ignored.

A bump on the tracks shook the old journal off Chester’s lap, and he lunged to grab it before it fell to the floor. The binding barely clung to book’s spine, and he held it gingerly on his lap. A musty smell rose from its pages, mingled with the cigarette smoke, and made his throat scratchy.

A dad should give his son a new bike or cool video game instead of a weird stinky book. Not that Chester knew. All he’d ever known were Mom and Lacey, the two most boring moms in the history of motherhood. Until a few weeks ago, Chester never thought much about his father, who seemed to exist only as an occasional frown between Mom and Lacey. Now the dad he’d never even met was dead, and Chester didn’t know what to feel. Or why the mysterious book showed up in the mail.

 
Chester sat – “sat”, used in an opening sentence might be considered a rather weak verb as it doesn’t show a great deal of the character or setting. Could you show us how Chester sits? Does he plop in his seat with a sigh, thus showing his mood? Does he slide into his seat, thus showing how he’s trying to go undetected? If he’s already in his seat as the scene opens, might we see him in action as he sits? Does he lean his head against the window with a deep sigh? Does he stare dreamily out the window at the passing scenery? Does he eye fellow passengers warily with his keen eye? Try to build some of his character, his current mood and emotion, into the opener so the reader can immediately make a connection, begin to ask some questions in the last row in the last car of the train, knees pressed up – perhaps blend in a small description of his clothing. Does the material of the seat in front irritate his bare skin? Do his feet dangle to show he is a small child, or are they pressed uncomfortably against the rough seat back to show his height, or is he slouching thus showing why his legs press against the seat? Give the reader a subtle clue as to Chester’s appearance and age against the empty seat in front of him. The other passengers clustered near the front of the car, all except a grayish – what precisely is “grayish” about the woman? Her skin, her hair? woman wearing a flowery scarf barely hiding a large bald spot – so is the scarf wrapped around her head? Do unkempt, gray curls poke out of the front and back? Is the scarf so poorly wrapped around her head, it has come loose at the back thus revealing the bald spot? Perhaps blend in some more finer detail so the reader can see her more clearly, even if she isn’t important. She sat – as per the first comment, rather than telling us that she sat halfway back under the sign, perhaps show how the woman sits and how she moves. Does she scoot into her seat, cigarette hanging from her lips as she removes her bag from her shoulder? Does she grunt and groan as she repositions herself in the seat thus catching Chester’s attention, leaning back and removing the cigarette with a giant cloud of smoke puffing up and covering the NO SMOKING sign? halfway back under a No Smoking sign. Chester admired how she puffed away on her cigarette, not caring. Outside, trees streamed past like people in the City, hurrying along while ignoring all the others hurrying as well – consider revising this sentence for smoother flow and to avoid the repetition of “hurrying”. Maybe something like “Chester shifted his gaze to outside, to the trees streaming past like people in the City. All dashing and darting, ignoring other hurrying pedestrians” or similar. Chester knew all about being ignored.

A bump on the tracks shook the old journal off Chester’s lap – perhaps, if the journal has importance, show Chester’s hand on it in the opening line or offer a visual of it straight away, and he lunged to grab it before it fell to the floor. The binding barely clung to the book’s spine, and he held it gingerly on his lap – to avoid the close repetition of “lap”, perhaps show how Chester replaces the book on to his thighs with care, with a sigh of relief, or how he clutches it after the rescue, eyeing its cover to ensure he hasn’t damaged it in any way, or similar. A musty smell rose from its pages, mingled with the cigarette smoke, and made his throat scratchy. – rather than telling the reader the smell made his throat scratchy perhaps show them. “Chester coughed, an irritating tickle in his throat as a musty smell rose from its pages and mingled with the woman’s cigarette smoke” or similar.

A dad should give his son a new bike or cool video game instead of a weird, stinky book. Not that Chester knew. All he’d ever known were Mom and Lacey, the two most boring moms in the history of motherhood. Until a few weeks ago, Chester never thought much about his father, who seemed to exist only as an occasional frown between Mom and Lacey. Now the dad he’d never even met was dead, and Chester didn’t know what to feel. Or why the mysterious book showed up in the mail.
​
Overall, this is an interesting opening. As this is the first 250 words of the manuscript, perhaps by building a little more around the inciting event here, what actually makes this day different, what has set Chester’s story in motion – which we presume lies in the death of his father and the gift of this journal – might help raise those all important questions and intrigue in the reader. Although this is clearly hinted at in the last paragraph, which works just fine, perhaps by showing Chester’s emotions, by showing his treatment of the journal from the first sentences – the rough, scratched exterior, the words embossed as he runs his fingertips over them, reading them in his head, glittering and enticing him in, the smell as mentioned – might help in drawing a reader just a little more into the pages. Is this train journey one he takes regularly, or this trip associated with the journal? We learn that the journal arrives in the mail but was it on that same day? Has Chester snuck the book into his bag?

Could the opening page perhaps begin with Chester at home, the mailman arriving with this mysterious package, with Mom and Lacey gossiping at the kitchen table and Chester overhearing them discussing his father’s death, etc. Might his mom frown upon the book and not want him to have it, creating conflict from the start. Or might she make a rude remark or avoid responding when she discovers who the package is from?

The next scene could show him boarding the train and give the reader information as to where he's going. He might pull the journal from his backpack and examine it from front to back, wondering, worrying about what he'll find inside. But can't bring himself to read it yet. Nor can he make himself put it away. It's the only thing he owns that his father touched, and he feels a strong connection to it that he can't explain. Perhaps this is the one day of his life he’s pleased to be ignored so he can focus on what this mysterious package contains

Perhaps, also, some more indication as to what Chester’s goal is, his desires, might assist in setting up the internal journey he is about to take. Does he crave friendship, acceptance, a father figure, to be noticed? Maybe a hint or two on top of the mention of him knowing how it feels to be ignored might help the reader connect to his character.  
​
Of course, these are just ideas, suggestions to entice a reader in with some further detail, mystery and importantly injecting subtle clues into Chester’s character and conflict.
 
​

Welcome back to the #EditFoster blog! We are continuing our live critique series with our second submission of 2017, and today we're analysing a YA Paranormal. The unedited version comes first and the edited version second. Here we go!

I pulled my shirt farther down my body and peeked to the right a little. Yep. That's blood in the washer. He glanced at me, smirking. “I know you want to ask. I'll admit it's a little weird for me too.” He said.

My cheeks burned red. “I don't know what you're talking about. It's none of my business.” He was still smirking. “I'm a…hunter. Got something earlier today and it was a little messy.” He held out his hand. “I’m Kendrick.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check his hand for blood before taking it. “Abby.”

He shook my hand and looked me up and down. “Do you always do your laundry without pants?” Again with the blushing. “I do when my favorite pants need washing.” We stood in an awkward silence until our dryers dinged. I yanked open the door and found my pants, putting them on quickly. He casually took each item out and folded it carefully. I started folding my laundry too. “So. Where are you from?”

“Here and there.”

“Well, that’s stunningly vague. On the run or something?” I asked, getting increasingly curious. “Something like that.” He finished folding his laundry and stood up. “Nice to meet you, Abby.” And he left.

I sat there for a few minutes, wondering what had just happened. It was one of the weirdest encounters I had ever had with a guy. And I’ve had a few. I finished up with my laundry and walked to my house.
 
​
 
I pulled my shirt farther down my body and peeked to the right a little. – as the character is peeking, this movement suggests it is a slight, quick look, so perhaps delete the superfluous “a little”. Yep. That's blood in the washer. – as “Yep” and the previous sentence are in present tense as opposed to past tense, it indicates a direct narrator thought so might be better formatted in italics to clearly show this. – how does she know it’s blood from the clothes in the washer? Would there not just be some red, so might be paint or something else? What clues her in that this is definitely blood? He glanced at me, smirking. “I know you want to ask. I'll admit it's a little weird for me too.” He said. – who is he? Perhaps add a clue as to who this person is and why the narrator has noticed him, otherwise this could confuse the reader – also, as a different character to the narrator speaks, consider moving from “He glanced...” (to the end of this paragraph) to a new paragraph for clarity – also consider deleting “He said” as it will be clear to the reader who is speaking due to the action beat of “He glanced at me”. If you do keep “he said”, end the dialogue with a comma and use a lower case “h” for “he”.

This opening paragraph opens right in the action, but perhaps offer the reader an immediate idea as to location as well. For example, we find out soon they are likely in a laundromat. So, perhaps simply say “laundromat washer”, or mention the name of the laundromat; clue the reader in to whether the main character always goes here, are there other customers? Or maybe show the rows of washers side by side, add a color or two, smells of the washing powders, and so on. Throughout this paragraph and the rest of the scene, try to blend in some subtle detail of the setting through the narrator’s observation and movement to orient the reader.

My cheeks burned red – as Abby can’t see her cheeks, she can only presume they are red from the burning. Maybe revise to show this or perhaps show how they feel: “A sudden fire blazed in my cheeks” or similar – is she blushing because he caught her looking? Is blushing something she does when any guy talks to her? Maybe clarify for the reader. “I don't know what you're talking about. It's none of my business.” He was still smirking. – as mentioned above, ensure each character’s dialogue has its own paragraph, so move from “He was still smirking...” to the next line – perhaps to avoid this telling sentence, show some more of Kendrick here, other than his facial expression. Does he rock on his heels to reinforce his confident appearance? Or maybe run a hand through his blond mop of hair? “I'm a…hunter. – as he pauses here, might Abby pick up on this? Try to build some of her character into the writing so the reader can learn if she’s observant, distrusting, suspicious by nature, etc. Got something earlier today and it was a little messy.” – he mentions in the first paragraph that “it’s a little weird for me too” but as he’s a hunter, or at least says he is, wouldn’t he often have blood on his clothes? Perhaps by simply amending his dialogue to “I’ll admit this might appear a little weird” or similar will allow more consistency in his story. He held out his hand. “I’m Kendrick.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check his hand for blood before taking it. “Abby.” – and then here as well, move from “I’d be lying...” down to the next line as this moves on to Abby’s dialogue – maybe show the reader how she checks his hand. “I studied his outstretched hand, checking for blood-encrusted nails or smeared palms. Nothing. It was clean, if a little callused, so I took it.” or similar

He shook my hand and looked me up and down. “Do you always do your laundry without pants?” Again with the blushing. – again, move to a new paragraph to show the change in whose dialogue this is “I do when my favorite pants need washing.” – as it’s just Abby’s legs which are bare, perhaps show this in the first paragraph when she pulls down her shirt, to offer more vivid imagery to the reader. “I tug at the bottom of my shirt in an attempt to cover some of my bare legs.” or similar – has she had to urgently go into the laundromat? Did she stain the pants while she was out? If not, why hasn’t she worn another pair of pants to do this washing? We stood in an awkward silence until our dryers dinged. – perhaps show the awkward silence and build in some characterisation. Maybe something like: “An awkward silence stretched. I bit my lip and crossed my feet, still tugging at the bottom of my shirt, aware of his eyes burning into me.” or similar – Did their dryers ding at exactly the same time? Might Abby pick up on this and be frustrated, wishing for his to ding sooner so she doesn’t have to feel awkward anymore? Is there a timer on the dryers she’s watching? They must have arrived in the laundromat at much the same time then, so perhaps he would have seen her removing her pants to wash them, or maybe she was so deep in thought she only noticed him when he coughed or similar. Considering this might help clarify who “he” is in that first paragraph. I yanked open the door and found my pants, putting them on quickly. – perhaps show how she puts them on quickly. Are they loose-fitting so they glide on quickly, or does she have to wrestle with them? He casually took each item out and folded it carefully. – there are three adverbs close together here, and although nothing wrong with using them, replacing with stronger verbs makes for stronger writing. Perhaps show Kendrick removing his laundry in more detail and to reflect on both characters. Maybe: “Kendrick squatted and removed his items one by one, folding them in that rough, typical guy way.” or similar. I started – using verbs “started” “began” “continued”, etc. is often not needed and once deleted makes no difference to the understanding of the sentence. So here: “I folded my laundry too.” folding my laundry too. “So. Where are you from?” – as there was an awkward silence before, why is she starting conversation now and not then? Is she trying to be more confident with guys? Or is there something about this man that’s intriguing her?

“Here and there.”

“Well, that’s stunningly vague. On the run or something?” I asked, getting increasingly curious – rather than telling the reader Abby is “getting increasingly curious” show them in her body language and inner thought. Perhaps: “I side-eyed him. Here and there? Mysterious. Or maybe that was what he wanted me to think. Saying that, I hadn’t seen him around town before.” or similar. “Something like that.” – move to a new paragraph as this is a change of speaker. He finished folding – watch out for repetition. In this case “to fold” is used three times in four sentences. Instead, try to show more details. Perhaps Kendrick bundles up the last of his clothes and shoves them in a plastic bag? or similar. his laundry and stood up – delete “up” as the action of standing is generally in an upwards direction. – there is no clue before now that he was sitting or had sat down so perhaps clarify his position earlier on. “Nice to meet you, Abby.” And he left – what did he move like? Does he give her a wink, does she watch him go, admiring his butt in his tight-fitting pants? Try to build more vivid descriptions into the scene.
I sat there – perhaps show Abby sitting. Maybe “I sat on the plastic bench in the middle of the Laundromat, sliding my feet into my sneakers” or similar for a few minutes, wondering what had just happened. It was one of the weirdest encounters I had ever had with a guy. And I’ve – revise to past tense: “I’d” had a few. I finished up with my laundry and walked to my house – perhaps show clearer actions. Perhaps: “I shook my head and placed the rest of my clothes in my backpack, slung it on my shoulder and headed home.” or similar.

​So there we go. Do you agree with our suggestions? Leave your comments below!

We're back! Kicking off 2017 with the very popular 250 word critiques! Yes, this was supposed to go live last week but we've been flat out editing your incredible books!

​Right, today we have a fairly controversial first 250 of a YA sci-fi. Controversial in that it has split the #EditFoster camp.

One editor wants changes, one isn't so sure. So, we want your feedback. How would you edit this opening page? Would you recommend revisions? Would you read on?

​Here we go...

​Our first editor says:

"​Fantastic, strong writing. Very stylish. We meet the character and see that she’s determined, ambitious, successful, that she appears to crave freedom; we start to ask questions like ‘reached the end of what?’ and ‘what war?’ and ‘why does she think of her uncle and not her parents?’; we see some confusion in her mind through her uncle’s voice, a possible clue into her internal conflict. Completely enthralling with a strong voice that will push a reader to keep reading. No edits recommended at this stage!

​And our second editor says:

"While the writing is strong, I feel some attention needs to be given to setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening, as well as showing more action instead of beginning with the character’s musings. The first page provides the opportunity to connect the reader with the protagonist. Show me an immediate scene with action and description, plus, if it works, dialogue. Show me how whatever happens has consequences for the protagonist.  The reader doesn’t need set-up because the story should be happening NOW. What is the inciting event, or what’s different that day that will change the direction for the protagonist?  And lastly, what happens on the first page should raise a story question—what happens next? Or why did that happen? Overall, the writing is superb."

​So, please, leave your comments below! Thanks for stopping by.

Today, we bring you another live 250-word critique here on the #EditFoster blog! We're looking at the opening page of a middle grade fantasy today. The full piece submitted to us comes first and one with edits second. (Our edits are obviously bold, italicised, and underlined for clarity.)


My powers will never come to light, Livi thought.
Livi didn’t have patience waiting for the day to come. It wasn’t easy being eleven, and living with mortals.
“Come on freak,” Betty said. Betty arms push Livi so hard she stumbles on her left foot, her hair flying over her shoulder covering her face as she tries to see where she’s falling, but catches herself so she didn’t collide against the floor.  
Livi regains her balance, turning to face Betty. “Leave me alone, Betty,” Livi said.
“Make me,” Betty said. Betty has more muscle than Livi making it easier for her to push her around. Betty moves until she’s behind Livi. She grabs Livi by the back of her shirt, and shoves her onto the cold tile hallway floor. Livi’s chest hits the floor so hard the sound of her delicate tan skin slaps into the floor. Betty starts laughing at the state of the weak
Letting out a small moan Livi gingerly rolls over on her side adjusting herself into a sitting position her arms supporting her weight behind her. Livi feels anger she never had before.
I wish Betty stays far away, Livi thought.
It happens so quickly Livi wasn’t expecting it. The air starts to whistle sending paper taped at the wall goes flying down the hall. The smirk on Betty’s face starts falling down her face. The lockers start opening and closing. Betty wasn’t expecting this next when something sends her flying in the air across the other side of the hall landing with a loud crash.
“Fighting in the hallway,” a teacher said.
 

Although an interesting first line that will most definitely offer some intrigue, consider starting the scene with some action, along with this thought. By letting the reader see the character, they can immediately create a visual to build from. Something that shows them the character, where she is, how she moves and so on, thus allowing the thought to add to this character profile they have started to build.​ My powers will never come to light, Livi thought. As Livi’s thought is formatted in italics, ‘Livi thought’ can be deleted.

Livi didn’t have patience waiting for the day to come Is it night time now, and Livi is waiting for the next day to come? Or does ‘day’ here indicate a particular day in the future that’s drawing near? Perhaps show the reader where Livi is to clarify this: lying in bed with the covers drawn up to her neck, gripping it hard in frustration until her knuckles turn white, staring into the moonlit room, or similar. It wasn’t easy being eleven, This comma isn’t required as ‘living with mortals’ is not a complete sentence. Perhaps join the two clauses with an em-dash, which will also give some emphasis to the second part. So: ‘It wasn’t easy being eleven—and living with mortals.’ and living with mortals.

So this isn’t night time. In fact, it appears from this paragraph that we are in the middle of the day. So what day, mentioned in the previous paragraph, does Livi not have patience waiting for?  “Come on freak," Insert a comma before ‘freak’ to show that this is a name Betty is giving someone. Betty said. ‘Betty said’ could actually be deleted as the following sentence clearly shows that Betty is the one doing the talking here. Betty arms Correct punctuation: ‘Betty’s arms’ push Perhaps simply write: ‘Betty pushes Livi’ or similar for smoother flow. Livi so hard she Is this ‘she’ Betty or Livi? Who is it that stumbles? Perhaps clarify with a name so the reader knows immediately. stumbles on her left foot, her hair flying over her shoulder covering her face as she tries to see where she’s falling Consider deleting ‘as she tries to see where she’s falling’ as it might not be something Livi thinks of at this stage. Falling is rather instantaneous and fast so she might not have time to look., but catches herself so she didn’t collide against the floor.  This last sentence has now switched to present tense, but previously it has been past tense. Be sure to pick one tense and then tell the story consistently from this.

The last sentence in the above paragraph is a little wordy and reads rather clumsy. Considering revising to ensure it flows smoothly. Perhaps even build in some visuals so the reader can clearly see the two characters, where they are, what they look like, how they are standing, and so on. Maybe:
“‘Come on, freak!’ Betty lunged forward, reaching out her palms, a snarl curling her red lips.  
Before Livi had a chance to react, Betty shoved her hard. Losing her balance, blonde strands of her hair flying across her face, Livi shuffled back…just managing to regain her balance before she connected with the hallway floor tiles.”
Or similar.

Livi regains her balance, turning to face Betty. “Leave me alone, Betty,” Livi said. Perhaps delete this dialogue tag as it is clear from the sentence before the dialogue that Livi is speaking.

“Make me,” Betty said. Again, perhaps delete the dialogue tag and show Betty to the reader so they can see her muscles and how threatening she appears to Livi, and thus avoiding the following sentence which is simply telling the reader this information. Perhaps: ‘Betty pulled up her sleeves and stepped forward, now towering over Livi. She put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows, mocking.’ or similar. Betty has more muscle than Livi making it easier for her to push her around. Betty moves Perhaps use a stronger verb here to show how Betty moves. Does she sidestep with her arms folded maybe? until she’s behind Livi. She grabs Livi by the back of her shirt, and shoves ‘shoves’ suggests Livi’s been pushed forward, yet Betty has grabbed her shirt. Perhaps ‘flings’ would be a more suitable word. her onto the cold tile hallway To avoid using this series of adjectives to describe the floor, perhaps show the reader where the girls are before now. floor. Livi’s chest hits the floor so hard the sound of her delicate tan skin slaps Isn’t Livi wearing a shirt? If so, how does her skin slap against the floor? Could the skin slapping be that on her hands and arms as she puts them out in front of her to stop the fall? into the floor. Betty starts laughing at the state of the weak As this is told from Livi’s point of view, she won’t actually know why Betty is laughing, so perhaps show Betty’s laugh instead. Perhaps: ‘Livi gritted her teeth at the sound of Betty’s cackle.’ or similar. Also, as this is a children’s book, a reader might feel this sentence isn’t written in a particularly child-friendly voice.

Letting out a small moan Livi gingerly rolls over on her side adjusting herself into a sitting position her arms supporting her weight behind her This sentence reads as a little too wordy with many descriptions and movements. Perhaps condense to: ‘Livi rolls over and sits, her arms supporting her weight.’ or similar. Livi feels anger she never had before. Instead of telling the reader that she feels anger, show them. Perhaps: ‘Her hands balled into fists. Heat surged into her face and her body stiffened.’ Or similar

I wish Betty stays far away, Livi thought. Perhaps make this thought stronger to really drive home how much hate Livi has for Betty. Would she wish Betty would die? Say she hates her? Also, delete the tag ‘I thought’ as the italics show it's her inner thoughts.

It happens so quickly Livi wasn’t expecting it. Perhaps delete as this isn’t necessary to tell the reader. Simply show how the wind picks up, etc., as in the following sentence. The air starts to Perhaps delete ‘starts to’ and simple show the wind whistling as this is stronger and more active whistle sending paper taped at the wall goes flying down the hall. The smirk on Betty’s face starts falling down her face Delete ‘down her face’ as the reader knows where the smirk is already and falling suggests the movement is in a downward direction. The lockers start opening and closing. Betty wasn’t expecting this This slips from Livi’s to Betty’s point of view. Perhaps revise for consistency: ‘Betty's eyes widened as she flew through the air, crashing on the other side of the hallway.’ or similar next when something sends her flying in the air across the other side of the hall landing with a loud crash.

“Fighting in the hallway,” a teacher said. Why would the teacher make this statement? Should this be a question? Otherwise, would the teacher say: ‘No fighting in the hallway.’
 
This is a strong start with action and a hint at some magic, which should definitely hook a reader.  By adding in some inner thoughts and emotions to the writing, blended in naturally with the action and dialogue, this will allow the reader to make a stronger connection with the characters and allow for immediate tension to be built. The more you can show the characters, setting, and actions, the more engaging the story will be. Watch out for mixing past and present tense and be sure that each sentence makes sense and flows smoothly from one to the next as you revise.


​So that's it! What do you think? Do you agree? Would you suggest anything different? Has this been helpful to you? Let us know in the comments below.

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