​This week’s Show Don’t Tell workshop focuses on telling the reader what is going on in the main character’s head, rather than showing the reader and allowing her to form her own opinions, as well as make her own conclusions about what the author is trying to convey.
 
Here is the Telling scene:
 
Jenna didn’t understand her friends’ actions. She realized they meant well, but she wondered what made them come to that conclusion. She had to know.
She talked to them and learned that they believed she was lonely and needed a boyfriend. But she couldn’t imagine ever dating again. Not after what happened with the last one. She wondered how she could ever replace the greatest boyfriend in the world.

​Not only is this telling, it is vague and does not invite the reader to experience Jenna’s emotions. Where does this take place? Where are the other characters? Who are the other characters? What did her friends do? Why isn’t there any dialogue? And those are just the start of questions that need to be answered. While it is okay to keep something from your readers, they will demand that some of these story questions be addressed.

So let’s break this scene down and see where the writing went wrong.
​

1. Jenna didn’t understand

Might she scratch her head, cock her head, peer through squinted eyes, suck in her chin? Show this in her actions and expressions.

1. She realized

Don’t tell us what she realized, show us her realization. This can be done simply by removing “She realized” and turning this into a statement or a question.

1. She wondered

Again, don’t tell us that she wondered something, show us her wondering. Remove “She wondered” and again, form a statement or question.

1. She talked to them and learned

This has all kinds of wrong going on. Who did she talk to? When and where did she talk to them? How did she talk to them? Since she refers to them as friends, give them names, provide a setting, and give the reader some dialogue.
​

1. She couldn’t imagine

Same as realized and wondered. Form a question or a statement without imagine in it.

1. She wondered (again)

Remove the filter and form the statement or question. This can be done in dialogue, inner monologue, or narration.

Now let's analyse this... ​
​

English is full of words that are almost spelled the same and almost sound the same, unfortunately for English-speaking writers. One pair that confuses many writers is "loose" and "lose." Hopefully after today's quick tip, you won't be confused any more.

There are two handy mnemonic devices for remembering that loose has two Os in it:
Remember the kid's story of Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, and Loosey Goosey.
(The one where the chicken thinks the sky is falling when an acorn falls on its head.)
Because "loose" rhymes with "goose" and "moose" and they all end in -oose.
The second trick is:
Loose means something fitting loosely or having more space, so it has extra OOs--more space.

Sadly, I don't have any stand-alone memory tricks for "lose," but I do like this one, paired with the ones above:
If your pants are loose, you might lose them.

Now get back to editing, and don't lose hope!

Please welcome Rebecca to the blog today, with her second brilliant Show Don't Tell workshop. 
 
 
Brielle looked in the window (1) with excitement (2). She saw the most beautiful gown (3) in the world, the perfect one for senior prom. Even though she felt sad (4) that Cayden hadn’t asked her, that no one had asked her, she made up her mind to go anyway (5). And this dress would make him jealous (6)—sorry he asked Mia Keller with the big boobs, instead. 


Now let's analyse this... 


(1) Looked in the window

While there’s nothing wrong with using “looked,” and it is an active verb, there are stronger verbs/synonyms of looked that can create a more vivid image. Peered, stared, gawked, etc.
 
(2) With excitement

This is classic TELLING. Don’t tell the reader how she feels, SHOW them in her actions. She could bounce up and down or chew her lip, etc.
 
(3) She saw the most beautiful gown

Don’t TELL the reader what she saw, omit the “she saw” and just SHOW us what’s staring back at her. And this is a great place to add detail to give the reader a clear image of the dress she’s admiring.
 
(4) She felt sad

This is an opportunity lost for readers to CONNECT and BOND with the character, to EXPERIENCE her pain over not being asked to prom. If readers don’t connect, they won’t feel invested in the story, in the character, and might stop reading. So give them all the feels. SHOW them her sadness and disappointment; have her swipe away a tear, swallow a lump down her throat, have her chest constrict.
 
(5) She made up her mind to go anyway

The phrase “she made up her mind” TELLS the reader the process instead of SHOWING them. Have her check her purse for money, walk away from the store and return, pace. SHOW the reader her apprehension and then the decision as she marches into the store.
 
(6) And this dress would make him jealous

The first thing I do is question “why?” Why would this dress make Cayden jealous? The reader has no idea what this dress looks like, or more importantly, what it looks like on Brielle. Does it transform a duck into a swan? Does she go from plain to sexy? Again, SHOW the reader these important details so they can create a clear image of this important scene, rooting for Brielle against all the unfairness that is high school.
 

Taking all of the above suggestions, this is a new-and-improved scene of Brielle’s quest for a prom gown. And yes, showing a reader does take more time, effort, and add significantly to the word count, but the results are worth it.
 

With her forehead pressed against glass, Brielle peered into the storefront window, her eyes locking on a satin, turquoise gown with a form-fitting bodice, plunging neck line, spaghetti straps, and an ankle length skirt with a slit up the leg, all the way to the thigh. Her chest pounded. She imagined herself in the gown, slow dancing with Cayden at their senior prom. Like that would ever happen. He didn’t even know she existed.

Brielle sighed. The dress was perfect. The perfect color for her olive skin. The perfect shape for her curves. But attending prom without a date was not the way she envisioned the important rite of passage. But no one asked her. Just like last year. Just like the year before. She swiped at a tear. Should she go just to say she went?

She opened her purse and checked the wallet. Three hundred-dollar bills smiled back. Biting her lip, she paced in front of the store, paused at the double glass doors, and turned on her heels, heading back to her car. Three hundred dollars for a dress she’d only wear once? Three hundred dollars for her pride? Hell yes.

Marching back to the store, she flung open both doors. With her head held high, she strutted to the gown and bee-lined for the dressing room. Slipping the dress over her bra and underwear, she gasped at her reflection in the mirror. No longer plain and insecure, she’d transformed into a sexy, confidant woman. She extended her long, tanned leg out the slit and grinned. Cayden may have asked Mia Keller with the big boobs, but once he got a look at Brielle in that dress, he, and all the other boys who didn’t ask her, would be sorry. Eat your heart out, Cayden.

Brielle paid for the dress and wore it out of the store.  

Today, we welcome Kate back to the blog with another detailed look at Show Don't Tell. And today, it's building on from last week's workshop, focusing a little more on adding that finer detail, voice, and characterization throughout.

​I walked into the kitchen where my parents were waiting for me (1), their expressions filled with anger (2). I had messed up royally and I knew I was in trouble. But whatever. There were much bigger things going on in my life so this telling off wasn’t going to get me down. (3)
“Sit down,” Mom said (7) and pointed to the bar stool at the island.
“And don’t say a word,” Dad added.
I sat down, my lips sealed as instructed. Dad was dressed in his gray suit and yellow tie, obviously ready for work, and Mom was wearing her fluffy, pink dressing gown (4). She was gripping a mug so hard I could see that her knuckles had turned white and I wondered if the mug might break. This was going to be bad.
“Where were you last night, Joanne?” Dad asked, tapping the granite counter top.
“Out with friends,” I replied, not looking at him.
“Which friends?” Mom asked.
“Tell us now so your punishment doesn’t get any worse,” Dad said.
I sighed and replied, “Sam,” and braced myself for the shouts (5).
“SAM!” Mom screamed. “Sam!”
Dad cried, “She was out with that godforsaken boy all night! I knew it!”
By this point, I’d forgotten about the phone call I was waiting for from Tammy about the party. I was focused on getting through the next few minutes (6).
 

Now let's analyse this... 


(1) I walked into the kitchen where my parents were waiting for me
 
Here we’re being TOLD that her parents are waiting for her and where, rather than us finding out naturally, maybe SEEING them waiting as Joanne enters the kitchen. This is a great opportunity to build tension and emotion by SHOWING us some finer details, bringing the perspective closer, adding direct thought so we can HEAR the character’s voice better, and so on. Maybe: One more deep breath. I couldn’t put this off any longer. Head lowered, I shuffled into the kitchen, a brief glance up so I could prepare for what awaited. Oh heck, this is bad. They both stood, backs stiff, arms frozen, and eyes already drilling into my soul. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone had just turned my kitchen into a show room, my parents the mannequins surrounded by gleaming, sparkling unused appliances. Yes, this is a lot more words to pass on something so simple, but what we get is a lot more style and tone, tension and voice, atmosphere and personality. Don’t be afraid to use more words to show something.
 

(2) their expressions filled with anger
 
We see this kind of thing a lot. We’re being TOLD that her parents are angry but we don’t really get to FEEL this anger or SEE what her parents look like when they’re angry. You could just use the example above in point 1 as this definitely SHOWS their anger in their body language and the character’s perception of them, or you could carry this on and SHOW her parents in a little more detail, again building on the character’s voice. Maybe: I stepped into the vacuum of weighted silence. A small giggle pressed at the back of my throat at Mom’s flared nostrils and I guessed if I listened hard enough, I might have been able to hear the raging, panting bull waiting to be released inside her.
 

(3) I had messed up royally and I knew I was in trouble. But whatever. There were much bigger things going on in my life so this telling off wasn’t going to get me down.
 
Because we’ve already revised the first sentence into many much longer ones that are packed with SHOWING, these sentences could work just fine. Always remember that the odd bit of telling and filter verb usage is perfectly okay. If you wanted to keep on revising, then a few tweaks would elevate this even more, getting rid of “I knew” and “there were” (filter verbs). Maybe: I’d messed up royally and my name was written all over this telling off. But whatever. Bigger things mangled my life right now so Mom and Dad could bring it on.

 
(4) Dad was dressed in his gray suit and yellow tie, obviously ready for work, and Mom was wearing her fluffy, pink dressing gown.
 
Here we’re being TOLD what Mom and Dad are wearing but it would be much stronger to SEE this blended into action and dialogue, and again in the character’s VOICE. At the moment it’s a bit boring. Maybe: They drew out the silence a little longer and, fighting hard not to make eye contact, I watched their reflections in the ultra shiny granite countertop. Dad removed his glasses, hooking them in the top pocket of his suit jacket and sliding his fingers down his silky yellow tie—I hated that tie. Mom, on the other hand, still hadn’t moved. The only things that clued me in to her being alive were those white knuckles squeezing her mug. Another giggle tickled as I imagined it bursting, coffee splattering her fluffy pink dressing gown.
 

(5) braced myself for the shouts
 
Rather than TELLING the reader that the character has braced themselves, SHOWING this in specific body language would be much stronger. Maybe: I screwed up my face and clenched my fists in my lap. Let the ride commence.

 
(6) By this point, I’d forgotten about the phone call I was waiting for from Tammy about the party. I was focused on getting through the next few minutes.
 
Informing the reader of what a character has forgotten is a huge red flag of TELLING and removes the reader instantly from the action. Instead, keep us in the moment, SHOWING us exactly what is happening and what’s keeping the character occupied, or even take it one step further and SHOW the character remembering what they’d forgotten. Maybe: I sat quietly, letting my parents do their thing, allowing the shouts and screams and attacks on Sam to slide right by. Mom was in her element, and I’d become pretty nifty at blocking out her screeching. Besides, it had been one heck of a night and I had zero regrets.
 

(7) Dialogue and Dialogue Tags
 
Overall, the dialogue itself is okay in this passage, but what could be revised and more SHOWING added is the removal of some dialogue tags--Dad asked, I replied, Mom screamed, Dad added, etc. There are a lot and switching out a couple with an action tag would allow the reader to SEE more and FEEL and HEAR the emotions in the spoken words.
 
Maybe instead of…
“Sit down,” Mom said and pointed to the bar stool at the island.
Try…
“Sit down.” Mom thrust a French manicure-tipped finger at the island bar stool.
 
Maybe instead of…
“Where were you last night, Joanne?” Dad asked, tapping the granite counter top.
Try…
Dad leaned forward, one finger tap tap tapping a regular rhythm. “Where were you last night, Joanne?”
 
Maybe instead of…
“SAM!” Mom screamed. “Sam!”
Try…
“SAM!” Mom shoved her mug forward, coffee sploshing over the rim, and flung her arms in the air. “Sam!” I had no doubt the neighbors could hear her shrill voice.

These are examples, of course, and the fun thing about this type of revision is playing around with ideas. Think about placing your characters, moving them around, reflecting their emotions and the words they speak through their body language and expressions. Don’t forget, however, to not go overboard with adding too many action tags, giving a blow-by-blow account of everyone’s movements. That can get pretty boring!
 

And now let's put it all together...


One more deep breath. I couldn’t put this off any longer. Head lowered, I shuffled into the kitchen, a brief glance up so I could prepare for what awaited. Oh heck, this is bad. They both stood, backs stiff, arms frozen, and eyes already drilling into my soul. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone had just turned my kitchen into a show room, my parents the mannequins surrounded by gleaming, sparkling unused appliances. I stepped into the vacuum of weighted silence. A small giggle pressed at the back of my throat at Mom’s flared nostrils and I guessed if I listened hard enough, I might have been able to hear the raging, panting bull waiting to be released inside her.  I’d messed up royally and my name was written all over this telling off. But whatever. Bigger things mangled my life right now so Mom and Dad could bring it on.
 
“Sit down.” Mom thrust a French manicure-tipped finger at the island bar stool.
 
“And don’t say a word,” Dad added.
 
I sat down, my lips sealed as instructed. They drew out the silence a little longer and, fighting hard not to make eye contact, I watched their reflections in the ultra shiny granite countertop. Dad removed his glasses, hooking them in the top pocket of his suit jacket and sliding his fingers down his silky yellow tie—I hated that tie. Mom, on the other hand, still hadn’t moved. The only things that clued me in to her being alive were those white knuckles squeezing her mug. Another giggle tickled as I imagined it bursting, coffee splattering her fluffy pink dressing gown.
 
Dad leaned forward, one finger tap tap tapping a regular rhythm. “Where were you last night, Joanne?”
 
“Out with friends.”
 
“Which friends?” Mom asked.
 
“Tell us now so your punishment doesn’t get any worse,” Dad said.
 
I screwed up my face and clenched my fists in my lap. “Sam.” Let the ride commence.
 
“SAM!” Mom shoved her mug forward, coffee sploshing over the rim, and flung her arms in the air. “Sam!” I had no doubt the neighbors could hear her shrill voice.
 
“She was out with that godforsaken boy all night! I knew it!”
 
I sat quietly, letting my parents do their thing, allowing the shouts and screams and attacks on Sam to slide right by. Mom was in her element, and I’d become pretty nifty at blocking out her screeching. Besides, it had been one heck of a night and I had zero regrets.

Semicolons.
​I love them. Probably because I write such long sentences. But I know plenty of writers who are uncertain about how to use them, and so they avoid this handy punctuation mark. Let's clear things up!
A semicolon marks a pause in a sentence; something between the soft pause of a comma and the hard pause of a period.

1. Semicolons are usually used to join two independent clauses without a conjunction. (An independent clause can stand on its own as a sentence. A conjunction is one of the joining words: and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so.)
RIGHT: I have written eight novels; none of them are published.
WRONG: I have queried three of them; and I am still querying.

2. Semicolons are used in between two statements that you want to connect OR show a contrast between.
RIGHT: I have written eight novels; none of them are published.
WRONG: I have written eight novels; I also like cheese and crackers.
RIGHT: I have eight unpublished novels; however, I have published a short story.
WRONG: Agent requests always make me happy; however, agent requests are the best.

3. Semicolons can connect two independent clauses that already contain punctuation.
RIGHT: I love green eggs, ham, and bacon; they are my favorite foods.

4. Semicolons can be used like commas in lists when the items in the list have commas within them. For example, if you're listing cities or dates:
RIGHT: Sally has been to Seattle, Washington; Boston, Massachusetts; and Houston, Texas.
WRONG: She hasn't been to Sacramento, California, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Vancouver, Washington, or Washington, D.C.
(Do you see how it looks like every word in commas is a separate item on the list now?)

You can also use semicolons in lists when the items in the list are followed by dependent clauses, like a brief description:
RIGHT: I'm going to visit my uncle, who is a musician; my aunt, who is a nurse; and my cousin, who has two kids.
WRONG: Let's go to New York City, the city that never sleeps, Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, and Portland, because it's weird.

Hopefully these tips will help if you're one of the many authors out there who feels lost when it comes to semicolon usage. They're handy when you want to try creating sentences of different lengths. And as you all know, they make cute little winky faces too. ;)