Sailor, my dog, was dead. That was the only thing I knew. That, and the fact that my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real.

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them treading careful steps in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.
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One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

​And here it is again with our suggestions!


Sailor, my dog, – Perhaps the opening would be stronger and more of a hook if “my dog” was removed. So simply “Sailor was dead.” was dead. That was the only thing I knew. – Perhaps here would be a stronger place to clarify what Sailor is. As follows: “It was the only thing I knew: my dog was dead.” or similar That, and the fact that – Consider deleting the second “that” here in this sentence as the writing is tighter without it my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky – Watch out for close repetition of words; in this case “sky” is repeated three times in this opening every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be. – Consider revising this paragraph to show the character rather than her continuing to tell the reader what went on before. Give the reader some visuals so they can see the character and feel their emotions as they blend into the setting and the action. Perhaps: “I stood, numb. Rain pissed down like it was the end of a forty-year drought, drenching me, mocking me. My raincoat still hung in the laundry at home, forgotten, the last thing on my mind as I’d stumbled out the door. Lightning lit Sailor’s body every couple of seconds. Dad would probably be frantic by now, worrying where I was. Mum wouldn’t be. But none of that mattered.” Or similar.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first – By placing “first” here, it implies that the character saw what they are about to describe before anyone else. Consider revising to: “When I first saw them...” I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real. – A reader might raise a few questions here: Did the character see these creatures before they had left the house, when they found out Sailor was dead, or where they stand now in the rain? As they were numb with shock as they left the house, thus forgetting the coat, it implies that they knew Sailor was dead before they saw his body. Did Mum tell them what had happened? So, if at least one of their parents knew where they were going, why would Dad be frantic, wondering where they are?

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them, treading careful steps  – Perhaps use stronger verbs to really show how these creatures move and give the reader clear visuals. Maybe: “...twelve of them—prowling, skulking, deliberate” or similar in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.

One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

This is a very intriguing opening, lots of questions are raised. What are these creatures? Why is this character’s mum “sort of” involved in the death of Sailor? There are also some vivid visuals of the storm, the dead dog, and this pack of creatures in the sky. Great job.

However, at present, it is tricky to get a feel of how this event came about, as raised in some of the previous comments, and as readers, we don’t get to be the character, see them, know them.
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Why did this character leave the house in shock – because they already knew about Sailor? If so, how did they find out? Are they standing in the rain now, looking at the dog, watching the creatures in the sky? Or are images of the creatures returning to them as the storm rages around them? By maybe showing the character and where they are now, perhaps allowing the reader to feel the chill gripping their skin, sodden jeans pasted to their thighs, feel drenched hair clinging to their face, seeing the lightning flash and the mound of fur illuminated, might offer a much more engaging and tense beginning. Currently, this event is passed on to the reader through telling, in back story, and therefore doesn’t throw the reader straight into the scene, engage their senses, or let them connect with the character. With some minor revisions, switching some of this to showing, the tone and urgency of the scene could immediately transform.  

 Today, we are critiquing live on the blog! Well, almost live. Actually not live at all. So that doesn't really work, but not to worry. What we do have for you is a critique of the first 250 words of a manuscript sent to us with permission from the author and posted here completely anonymous.

Editor's comments are in bold, italics, and underlined - just to be sure! Here we go...


Early morning mist danced with smoke from fires and battle. Does battle cause smoke? Could you use a different noun to portray the aftermath of battle? Perhaps: ...danced with smoke from the fires to the disharmonic sounds of battle. Death and rubble met my eyes at every point. Could you be more specific and focus on a certain dead person on the ground, how the blood stains his clothes, or his eyes screaming in pain, or his head in a ditch while his body lay across the field? And then, how does our narrator respond to this? Does her stomach clench, or is she numb to the killing? These extra details will offer the reader an immediate connection with the narrating character as well as clearer imagery of the scene. Gray skies hovered low across the crisp winter fields and refused to allow any light to shine on the consequences of greed and deceit that littered the land. The vastness of the devastation made it difficult to believe that this was what victory had earned us. These two sentences are vivid and strong, but perhaps by including the character's reactions, the scene would become stronger.

This opening paragraph is a haunting scene, but perhaps it would be stronger if inner monologue, visceral reactions, and more vivid descriptions were added.

“Malory.” Isobel placed a hand on my arm. The gentle, but insistent, pressure of my new Not sure 'NEW' is necessary here. This info could be blended in more subtly later  friend’s touch chased away the paralysis that had overcome me. Perhaps instead of 'overcome me' a stronger verb, such as 'flooded over me' or 'overwhelmed me' or similar might offer more impact. 

“Look at them all–,” Pinpoint crystals of ice hung like a veil in the air and stung at my cheeks. Tears warmed a path down my face as I surveyed the bodies on the ground. “—at what they’ve done.” The punctuation here is incorrect, since she’s not doing something to interrupt her own speech. Ellipses would be better: “Look at them all …” Pinpoint crystals of ice hung like a veil in the air and stung at my cheeks. Tears warmed a path down my face as I surveyed the bodies on the ground. “… at what they’ve done.” Otherwise, if adding a character action that breaks the dialogue, em-dashes used outside of the quote marks would be used: “Look at them all”—I swept my arms out in front of me and moved slowly in a circle, tears warming a path down my face—“and at what they’ve done.”

I forced my eyes to embrace every image. I wouldn’t turn away despite the horror that churned within me and threatened to spill out at any moment. Suggest adding vivid details here so the reader can see exactly what she sees. Otherwise, it’s a little telling. This burden was as much mine to bear, as my family’s and the traitors who’d aligned with them. Since the second part of the sentence is a phrase not a full sentence, the comma isn’t needed.

Among the stilled bodies—knights, as well as villagers—men writhed on the ground in the final throes of their march toward death. Life spilled from their wounds in gruesome clarity. A chasm ripped open in me as Perhaps it would be stronger here to just tell us what she sees and not pull the reader back from the scene a man tried desperately to force his own life back into his abdomen, his eyes begging me to assist him before realization settled over him. Perhaps this would have better impact with more vivid descriptions. Gross the reader out. Make us cringe with the MC. For example: A chasm ripped open in me as a man grabbed his entrails from the ground and desperately tried to force them back into his abdomen, his eyes begging me for assistance before realization settled over him. - What did he do then? How did realization settle over him? Did he cry? Scream? Wail? Say a prayer? Suggest adding his reaction to make it stronger.

My life would never see the end of this battle. Suggest revising for smoother flow. Perhaps: “I would never see the end of this battle” - and add voice to this. Example: With God as my witness, I would never see the end of this battle.


​So, what do you think? Do you agree with our comments? Would you suggest anything different? Has this been helpful?

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