250-Word Critique # 6 2017

Hello! We hope your new week has got off to a great start. We're kicking ours off with another 250-word critique. And this time we have an adult dark romance. As usual, the "clean" version comes first and the edited version second. Be sure to leave your comments below; we'd love to hear what you think of our suggestions and if you have any further advice for the author.

---

​Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket.

Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

Court’s words. Not mine.

Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house.  It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.
​
Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

---

Thirty-six. Two kids even Satan would disown. Squeezed into size 10 skinny pants while my hips beg for size 12. Attending a wake with a spread so large it puts all you can eat joints to shame and my size 10s to the test. – This is a great opening, but perhaps restructure to ensure maximum voice for effect and to maybe add some visual to ground the reader. Perhaps:

“Thirty-six.
Two kids Satan would disown.
And squeezed into too-small skinny pants.
I glance around to make sure no eyes are on me and discretely as possible yank the damn things out my backside. It gets worse; the spread at this wake is so freaking large these size 10s are probably going to burst by the time I leave.”

Or similar.

Even on the wrong side of thirty, this wouldn’t be the worst place in the world – Perhaps add an em-dash here, between “world” and “if”, to maximise the impact of this brilliant and shocking revelation –if I hadn’t killed the guy eternally sleeping under the closed mahogany casket. – As she is responsible for this person’s death and there was likely a trial, would she even be here? Wouldn’t other guests, family members, recognize her; and if they do aren’t they mad or bitter or even curious? Might she feel their eyes on her, or hear their passing mutterings? How does she feel about what she’s done, about being here? Guilty or nervous, perhaps? Can we see this? Does she sweat profusely; is her stomach rising and dipping like a boat in choppy seas; does the smell and sight of the enormous spread make her nauseous; is she downing her wine too quickly? Perhaps blend in some visceral reactions in the early paragraphs so the reader can connect with her, and maybe include a clue so they can start to understand her motivations for being here, how she feels about what she’s done, and so on.

 Involuntary Vehicular Manslaughter.

 Court’s words. Not mine. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought.

 “Stupid woman posting on Facebook while driving a Range Rover” – Perhaps place this first part of the sentence into quote marks as shown to ensure it stands out – Also, if this is the case and proven in court, would she not have received a punishment? Is this not illegal in the country of this story to use mobile phones whilst driving? – would’ve been more accurate.

In my defense, people shouldn’t use social media to rehome puppies because they pee in the house. It warranted an immediate response.

Show some responsibility, people!

“Thanks for coming,” a young twenty-something said. I think she put on her eyeliner while driving. – Has the girl interrupted her thoughts? Does Tessa startle at the voice, or has she seen this girl approaching and doing the rounds to guests so has been preparing? Is Tessa scatty, observant, away with the fairies? Perhaps build in a clue.

Bet she didn’t kill anyone while doing it, though. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought and also add to the previous paragraph as it continues her thoughts on from the previous sentence.

Size 2. Kendra Scott earrings. Green Lily Pulitzer sundress. At a funeral? Tacky. One kid and that outfit will become a distant memory tucked deep in the huge guest bedroom closet of her sugar daddy’s McMansion.

But she has the body, and no one even seems to care she’s not wearing black.

Of course, I’m jealous. I would kill for her body. – Perhaps remove from italics as this isn’t a direct thought, and perhaps add to the previous paragraph as it continues her opinion and thought on this young girl.

“Who knew my uncle was so popular. And you are?” She left a pink lipstick ring matching the off-year Rosé on her plastic glass waiting for me to answer. – Perhaps restructure the sentence slightly for smoother flow. Maybe: “Waiting for me to answer, she left a pink lipstick (and so on)...” or similar.

The crazy bitch who ran over your uncle who – Using “who” here suggests it is the uncle who is doing the wishing. Simply replace “who” with “and” – wishes she could figure out how to change the past.

“Tessa Gilbert.” I offered a full hand, – Perhaps an em-dash instead of a comma might be more effective in showing the reader the shock and humor behind the character knowing her nails are unmanicured. So: “I offered my hand—unmanicured nails and all.” – unmanicured nails and all. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” She pinched my index finger between her fingers and thumb like I was a shrimp. Creepy. As if I weren’t uncomfortable already.

Can we get some cocktail sauce over here?

There are some very interesting things going on in this scene and it makes for an intriguing opening full of strong voice. But what is the inciting event? Is it going to the wake of the man she killed? Is it meeting the man's niece? What's different about this day that will change the course of her life? And what does your character want? Perhaps blend in some subtle clues so the reader can ask those all important early questions.

Most importantly, give the reader a reason to love the protagonist by helping them connect with her. Allowing them to experience what the main character does is the best way to form a quick and strong connection between the reader and protagonist.

So consider weaving in some more of the five senses as well as visceral reactions and nervous habits; really start to mold the character so the reader can begin getting to know her. Could we smell the food, hear the dull chatter of the other guests? Can we get a clue as to where this wake is taking place—a house, a church, a pub, etc? Is she uncomfortable, nervous, guilty, indifferent? And be sure to SHOW rather than tell the reader.
​
Finally, there is a mixture of both present and past tense throughout. Decide in which the story is to be told and stick with that. If past tense, then ensure all the narrative other than her direct thoughts (which will be placed in italics) is consistent, or switch everything to present.​