250-Word Critique 2017 # 5

And we're back! After a stupid busy few weeks, we're returning with some more regular 250-word critiques, and today it's a YA sci-fi under the spotlight. The 'clean' version comes first, and then the edited version second. Let us know what you think in the comments!

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message for the thousandth time; she felt the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped.

She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids? She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.

A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M, the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay?

Yeah, right.
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Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?
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The twin psychic bond theory? – An interesting opening line; this is likely to intrigue a reader – Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. – Maybe just one ‘Pfft’ is enough to get the point across – In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother. But now, as she gripped her L.I.N.K. bracelet and watched Daniel’s last video message – Is the video message coming out of her bracelet, or is it a screen on the bracelet, or is the message aired on somewhere other than the bracelet? Perhaps clarify so the reader has a clear visual – for the thousandth time; she felt – ‘to feel’ is considered a filter verb and thus telling; consider revising. See further on for an example – the familiar buzz pulsating through her veins; every cell vibrating; caught in a continuous scream around her body. – Is the buzz from a new telepathic link to her twin or from the bracelet? A reader might not be sure. If it is the former, then perhaps removing the word ‘familiar’ might make more sense. If she has never telepathically linked to him before then this feeling might be new.
– This last sentence definitely raises intrigue and questions; such as, why is this his last video message, and what is this L.I.N.K. bracelet? However, perhaps this might be stronger if the reader can see the message, what Holly is watching, as it happens. So maybe show the reader her brother on the screen, his dilated pupils, awkward smile, floppy brown hair, and so on. See further on for a rewrite example.

The last hour of pitching and jolting in a cargo jet at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped. – Is Holly still on the jet? If so, perhaps ground the reader here by letting them feel the jolt and see Holly gripping the seat arms. If not, maybe show how she is a little wobbly on her legs as she walks (insert here: toward something) because of the last hour of turbulence. Perhaps also blend in the presence of someone else she is with or show her alone. What is she surrounded by – boxes, crates, cages, etc? –
She swallowed hard, ignoring the lump of nausea in her stomach – her brother was smiling, sure, but what about the dilated pupils and creased eyelids – Can eyelids be creased? Or is this the skin around his eyes – ? – Is the nausea from the jolts and pitching or because she is worried about her brother? Or is it both? Perhaps clarify for the reader – She’d seen that look once before. I’m going find you Danny. – as she is ‘addressing’ Danny, a comma needs to be added before his name – I’m going to find out what happened to you. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you. – Maybe reduce this inner thought to something a little shorter so as to ensure maximum impact on the reader and the urgency of Holly’s feelings. Or, perhaps cut the thought in half and blend two sets of thoughts into some body language or action or similar.
 
– Consider blending the previous two paragraphs into one for stronger writing and to show Holly, where she is, and let the reader share her emotion and see her surroundings. Perhaps:
 
‘Holly hit ‘play’ once more, probably for the thousandth time. Danny’s smile lit up the messaging screen on her L.I.N.K. bracelet. She gripped the band around her wrist as its familiar buzz pulsated through her veins – every cell vibrating – and caught in a continuous scream around her body. Nausea swam in her stomach. He was smiling, sure, but those eyes... dilated pupils, creased eyelids.  She’d seen that look before. I’m going to find you, Danny. I’m going to find out what happened to you.

The twin psychic bond theory? Pfft. In all her seventeen years, Holly had never telepathically linked to her brother.
 
A sudden jolt shook her from her brother’s image, and she slammed her palms on to the surrounding boxes. She swallowed hard at the rising vomit. The last hour wedged in a cargo jet in turbulence at ten thousand feet hadn’t helped much. She closed her eyes. I need to know you’re safe. This time, I won't fail you.’
 
Or similar. Of course some words have been changed here to allow for more showing, detail, and tighter writing, and perhaps some of the facts have been misunderstood, but this is an example of how the words might lift further from the page if simply rearranged.
 
A pinprick light glowed in the top corner of the L.I.N.K’s display. Low-battery. Great. Her small – What does small mean? Is it a similar size to a wristwatch? Perhaps offer the reader a more precise idea, let them see the bracelet more clearly – computer bracelet, allowing her access to the first four levels of N.I.M., the Novus Imperium Mainframe, never left her sight. It could show her 13 – Write numbers up to 100 out in words – different skateboard routes to the performance arts college, 28 ways of violating Imperium protocol, and 34 reasons why missing her daily medication could be fatal. But, could it tell her where her brother’s present location? Or whether he was okay? – These last two questions could be smoother and incorporate stronger language. Perhaps: ‘But her brother’s current location? If he was okay?’ or similar.

​Yeah, right.
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​Holly let her head fall back against the headrest, barely registering the cold hard metal. Come on, come on, come on. How much further?

​Overall, this is certainly an opening that has plenty of intrigue and hook and should work to force a reader to ask some questions. Perhaps with some simple shuffling of words and tightening of sentences, switching telling to showing, and adding some more voice, will elevate the writing and immediately throw a reader into the scene and action, and let them share Holly’s emotion as they sit with her.

So what do you think? Do you agree? Would you advise anything different? Put your editing cap on and leave your comments below!
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