250-Word Critique 2017 # 4

And we're back with another of our popular 250-Word critiques! Today we're analysing 250 words from a YA Contemporary. Let us know what you think or what you might suggest the author do in the comments.

​Here's the clean version...

Sailor, my dog, was dead. That was the only thing I knew. That, and the fact that my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real.

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them treading careful steps in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.
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One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

​And here it is again with our suggestions!


Sailor, my dog, – Perhaps the opening would be stronger and more of a hook if “my dog” was removed. So simply “Sailor was dead.” was dead. That was the only thing I knew. – Perhaps here would be a stronger place to clarify what Sailor is. As follows: “It was the only thing I knew: my dog was dead.” or similar That, and the fact that – Consider deleting the second “that” here in this sentence as the writing is tighter without it my mother had killed him. Sort of. But sort of was enough.

So it didn’t matter that the sky was pissing down rain like the end of a forty-year drought, or that lightning forked through sky – Watch out for close repetition of words; in this case “sky” is repeated three times in this opening every couple of seconds, or that I’d left my raincoat at home in the laundry when I’d stumbled out the door, numb with shock. It didn’t even matter that by now, Dad would probably be frantic with worry over where I was—or that Mum wouldn’t be. – Consider revising this paragraph to show the character rather than her continuing to tell the reader what went on before. Give the reader some visuals so they can see the character and feel their emotions as they blend into the setting and the action. Perhaps: “I stood, numb. Rain pissed down like it was the end of a forty-year drought, drenching me, mocking me. My raincoat still hung in the laundry at home, forgotten, the last thing on my mind as I’d stumbled out the door. Lightning lit Sailor’s body every couple of seconds. Dad would probably be frantic by now, worrying where I was. Mum wouldn’t be. But none of that mattered.” Or similar.

Sailor was dead. The world had ended.

When I saw them first – By placing “first” here, it implies that the character saw what they are about to describe before anyone else. Consider revising to: “When I first saw them...” I thought I was hallucinating, a gruesome image induced by grief, my hindbrain’s horrid imaginings of what might have happened to Sailor. But then they saw me, yellow eyes gleaming in the dimness, and the fear prickling my spine as they prowled towards me on thin air couldn’t be mistaken for anything but real. – A reader might raise a few questions here: Did the character see these creatures before they had left the house, when they found out Sailor was dead, or where they stand now in the rain? As they were numb with shock as they left the house, thus forgetting the coat, it implies that they knew Sailor was dead before they saw his body. Did Mum tell them what had happened? So, if at least one of their parents knew where they were going, why would Dad be frantic, wondering where they are?

Air foxes, wind spirits, the whole pack stalked towards me as one—eight, ten, maybe even twelve of them, treading careful steps  – Perhaps use stronger verbs to really show how these creatures move and give the reader clear visuals. Maybe: “...twelve of them—prowling, skulking, deliberate” or similar in the sky. A metre or so away, they stopped, hunching like they would pounce… and vanished. At the time, I thought it was just a coincidence that the storm began to die out, rain fading quickly to mere dampness in the air, thunderheads flattening and dissipating into a uniform roof of steel.

One last flash of lightning showed me a small, damp mound of fur in the middle of the clearing.

This is a very intriguing opening, lots of questions are raised. What are these creatures? Why is this character’s mum “sort of” involved in the death of Sailor? There are also some vivid visuals of the storm, the dead dog, and this pack of creatures in the sky. Great job.

However, at present, it is tricky to get a feel of how this event came about, as raised in some of the previous comments, and as readers, we don’t get to be the character, see them, know them.
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Why did this character leave the house in shock – because they already knew about Sailor? If so, how did they find out? Are they standing in the rain now, looking at the dog, watching the creatures in the sky? Or are images of the creatures returning to them as the storm rages around them? By maybe showing the character and where they are now, perhaps allowing the reader to feel the chill gripping their skin, sodden jeans pasted to their thighs, feel drenched hair clinging to their face, seeing the lightning flash and the mound of fur illuminated, might offer a much more engaging and tense beginning. Currently, this event is passed on to the reader through telling, in back story, and therefore doesn’t throw the reader straight into the scene, engage their senses, or let them connect with the character. With some minor revisions, switching some of this to showing, the tone and urgency of the scene could immediately transform.